Badass Red Riding Hood

(After Into the Woods)

Fabia Gouveia

I wasn’t gonna take no shit from some wolf, no matter how big his teeth. So I butchered his ass right in Grandma’s bed, and we had a nice roast wolf dinner.

Over dinner, we decided to start a business. Taking our cues from Hansel and Gretel, we decided to create a gingerbread house kit business: Badass Gingerbread Houses, Inc. — No pastel gumdrops, just black and red.

Of course, every product needs to have a story. So we talked about how we turned the lemons of the Big Bad Wolf into the lemonade of our business. We publicized it on social media, where we ran contests: Who can create the baddest-ass gingerbread house? At $29.99 a pop, we were doing beaucoup biz. So we moved to a bigger house, and Grandma bought herself a bed with built-in massager, which helped her recover from the hip-hop dance class taught by the Pied Piper of Hamelin.

We made one mistake, which could have been a big one. You see, the Big Bad Wolf had sired lots of wolves, and they used their cell phones to coordinate mobbing our house. Fortunately, I’m a badass, so I slit one’s throat, which scared them. Then, arms akimbo, posture straight, chin up, like they taught me in empowerment class, I warned them, “You’re next, but I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. You wolves are aggressive — perfect salespeople. Go sell Badass Gingerbread Houses and, if you make your quota, you’ll eat very well, but if you don’t…” and I held up the wolf I had filleted. They all nodded and one peeped, “Giants have a big appetite. Can I have Jack’s beanstalk territory?”

Oh, and good environmentalist recycler that I am, I turned the wolf’s carcass into a wolf-fur cape. Besides, that’s a better image than red taffeta for Badass Red Riding Hood.

I read this aloud on YouTube.

Marty Nemko is a career and personal coach, and author of 36 books including the just-published Favorites: his best articles and short-short stories. You can reach him at mnemko@gmail.com