What Healed Me and Why it Actually Worked — A Writing Challenge

Physically, life is quite simple. When you break the bone of your hand into two pieces, despite all the troubles, they just need to fit back together. You heal from a fever when your body temperature returns to normal. Your deep scratches after an accident eventually make way for fresh new skin.

Psychologically, finding what exactly is the wound is more than half the battle. And defining what healing actually looks like almost deserves a life time achievement award.

What healing looks like to the mind (An AI generated image )

I was a mind person and despite all the beauty of logic, it has a limitation. It gives up when things no longer make sense and more often than not, in all extreme situations, THINGS DO NOT MAKE SENSE.

Often a small incident can cause a large and long-lasting wound. A persistent emotional injury may take minutes to heal and a rather simple looking one lives inside us for years.

I was in this Ninja warrior mode since my marriage when I was too young, stupid and amenable. I kept battling with an abusive marriage, fearing my husband’s erratic behaviour, meeting financial obligations and his family’s expectations as he was practically non-available, dragging myself to be more independent and focussed in my work while I burnt myself deep within.

And then the inevitable happened. The walls collapsed, the flood gates opened and my mind went blank because of the magnitude of problems and no corresponding earth shattering solution at hand. I cried non-stop both in my waking and sleeping states.

The first time I visited a psychologist, I half laughed and half scorned her. “Do what I like ? I need to keep myself happy !! That’s the best she could prescribe me”, I told a close friend in complete disbelief. Since he was coming from a minor in psychology and was far more sensible than I was, he smiled and led me on a journey that made no sense to a logical version of me at all.

My inner compass was broken, intuitions thrown away, feelings frozen just to help me survive in that marriage. I wanted to be alive but not live. And I couldn’t see a problem in it.

It started with reading a simple illustrated book (a screenshot below) which led to re-reading it three more times and then its subsequent parts and similar books in the genre. It slowly moved to Sudoku, Crosswords, adult colouring books, painting and origami.

From the book “Dinosaur Therapy” by James Stewart and K Romy (link here)

A walk every morning amidst green trees felt good but pointless until it became a go-to thing. That cup of hot chamomile tea and warm shower every night felt useless if I had to keep tossing in my bed until hours later. But once I started getting sleep, it was sound and peaceful. I spent more time with people I liked and in doing things I enjoyed, which added no real value as I was operating with such apathy.

I was blessed to have people in my life who were willing to teach me patience, self love, how and why to live. They didn’t abandon me when I displayed an inability to relax and chill. From beautifully planned surprises like setting a telescope in a mountain valley to pushing me to read a book for just 5 minutes when they had spent a day setting up my entire room’s ambience just for that.

I was forced to take a week long break from office for a solo spiritual retreat though I was too scientific and too atheist to believe in it. Two Italian girls I met there opened my heart to appreciating femininity and the sacred feminine. Some deep discussions on history and culture opened up a more inquisitive and non-judgmental part of me to spirituality. I couldn’t believe when that trip became a month long engagement and my employers were surprised that this year probably they do not have to roll over my remaining leaves.

Two months later, the same wise friend met me. He chuckled when he came to know how I was a struggling believer now and maintained my home and place of worship with a focus on aura cleansing. I religiously meditated and did my yoga for an hour everyday. Despite all the encouragement, he said in a matter-of-fact tone, “You still haven’t healed but soon you might”. I was perplexed but waited for life to unfold rather than ask him directly.

Years that followed were tough. A marriage broke down which was probably the best for my safety and well being. But it shook me to the core. The legal process is a pain, the society was at its judgmental best; the whole idea of moving out of what was once home is challenging. Worse still, was the realization that I had become accustomed to that toxicity.

My health went through cycles of bad and worse. I lost my job in this uneven landscape and struggled very hard to eventually gain a better one. My interests and tastes changed. I oscillated between a heart and a mind person. I went through cycles of disturbed and peaceful sleep. I struggled to remain a believer but could not be content now being an atheist.

Healing here meant setting right baselines. Healing meant a fresh beginning. A positive, vibrant and stabler beginning. An ability to live every experience with curiosity, joy and openness. And a part of you is simply tired, confused and afraid. Another part of you is suddenly more free and young. Healing is reconciliation of those two parts.

“When you are soaked to the skin, you don’t seek shelter. You just walk on despite the rain and storm”, told the same wise friend. So, I kept walking on…

Finally, I relinquished trying to control my life. Stopped trying to focus on my healing and do too much as a prescriptive medicine. I accepted my imperfections, my damaged baselines and my life — exactly how it is.

Break Time People !! (AI generated)

I got healed the day I stopped trying to heal. Stop trying to fix. Life takes its own course. And I was okay to lose, to wait, to hurt, and to suffer for as long as it takes and be happy even when everything around was burning. I still do all the activities above and maybe even more but without chasing outcomes. So, I am the above Ninja now who sits for a small break even when there is too much to fight for. And my lovely friends below keep company.

The book “Dinosaur Therapy” by James Stewart which always feels like home

Thank you Manmeet Singh Bhatia and Marziya🤩😍🌈❤️😇🏖️🌹 For this beautiful opportunity to participate in the challenge and for this well intentioned prompt.