Why I’m Applying To Be A DOJ Lawyer

If the job is on X, it must be good, right?

An AI rendering of what I would look like for the first minute of my first day as a DOJ lawyer before the stupidity sets in. I will keep the scales of justice on my desk in case Don Jr. or Erik visit and want to buy cocaine.

I know, I know. Most of you who have been following my political humor and misadventures didn’t know that I actually studied to be a lawyer. Others of you may not know that I’ve been looking for a job for quite some time now. I’m not saying that I don’t like my job, I’m just saying that retail hours begin to wear on a person after a decade or so and it may be time to consider moving on.

The more I think about it, the more the potential job change makes sense. I admit I’m not a fan of the King of Wishful Stinking, but how hard can the job be? So many lawyers in the once-esteemed department have left or been purged, fired, deep-sixed, made redundant, let go, dismissed, discharged, laid off or terminated that there aren’t enough to go around. In fact, the American Bar Association Journal has reported that the department went from 10,000 legal eagles across all its agencies in 2024 to 5,500 employees in late 2025 (which includes the loss of non-lawyers as well).

Before the Civil Rights division changed its name to the Civil Whites division and began filing discrimination suits on behalf of underqualified white guys who lost promotions to more qualified minority candidates, the section went from 70 jillion lawyers to two guys and a part time janitor who files briefs in his spare time. Not legal briefs, mind you. Just briefs that were left in the desk drawers of former section employees who shit bricks when they realized what Trump wanted them to do on a daily basis.

Heck, at this point, there are so few lawyers that there aren’t enough to show up at all the hearings involving the Trump administration. And those that do are so over-worked they either aren’t much use or can’t get the work done.

“This job sucks. I wish you could hold me in contempt so that I could get 24 hours of sleep.”

— Department of Homeland Security attorney Julie Le in a courtroom exchange with a federal judge in Minneapolis, MN

I could quote numbers until the swallows come back to Capistrano, the stockings run, the cats kill mountains (that’s a little joke there. Very little), the dish runs away with the spoon and the cows come home, but nothing is more telling than the fact that the department used Twitter/X to send out a solicitation to members of the legal community encouraging them to apply for job openings. The department apparently also lowered its standards, saying that they weren’t necessarily requiring years of law experience and would consider promising graduates with related experience.

This is where I come in. I don’t have actual law school experience, but I did take constitutional law classes at the University of Missouri and I was once a promising graduate, albeit a few decades ago. I think this makes me a promising candidate.

Go ahead, scoff if you will, but remember that Trump has appointed a drunk weekend FOX News host to head the military, a judge who once appeared drunk on a FOX show she was hosting as US Attorney for Washington DC and a former environmental attorney-turned-drug-addled conspiracy theorist with no public health experience as secretary of health and human services. And that doesn’t even include the pineal implant guy who previously hosted the show “The Erection Connection” and is now in charge of the country’s response to the Hanta Virus. I may not be a lawyer or play one on TV, but I’ve at least passed a few constitutional law classes.

Don’t worry, I won’t mention that as one of my qualifications, however.

That doesn’t mean I will be working to help Genghis Can’t move his policy goals forward. Just the opposite. I will comply with all requests, but defiantly. So, if a ridiculous or illegal request is made, I would happily do it, but slowly and only after all applicable rules are followed.

If the current performance of my future colleagues is any indication, though, I won’t be doing much of anything at all. Instead, I’ll be filing lawsuits that look like they were written by a petulant elementary school student, losing papers, showing up in court ill-informed about cases that I was just assigned the moment before, forgetting to comply with important orders issued by judges and whatever else I can to sabotage DOJ cases.

And here’s the funny thing, my bosses at the DOJ won’t be able to tell that I’m working to undercut their agenda because I won’t be doing anything that my colleagues aren’t already doing.

Who knows? I might even get a raise.

Whatever you do, please don’t give me my signing bonus in the form of Trump casino chips. Photo by Leo_Visions on Unsplash

If I apply soon, I’ve also heard that the Trump administration will give me a $25,000 signing bonus.

And I’m sure there’s almost no chance the administration will forget to pay me because if they do, I’ll sue them.

Granted, it will be in a Trump court, but still….

EDITOR’S NOTE: I didn’t actually apply, nor do I plan to. This is humor, remember?