At my big age I’m just learning it’s okay to cry

I feel that when you’ve made yourself into this so called individual that shouldn’t feel anything due to the fear of breaking yourself again, I’m back down that same rabbit hole. And this time i’ve dug it myself, after years and years of covering it up.

So how did all this start? well it started with me trying to be uncomfortable and coming face to face with the one thing I’ve spent most of my life running away from. The big M word, lol. I really need to grow up honestly, but yeah the life stage of marriage. After or more so when I was planning to write my exams I had made a big fat ginormous promise to God that I was going to be serious this time and do something so big that I would have never done on my own — attend a marriage related event. Writing this I actually can’t believe I actually followed through, well this wasn’t your regular shmegular promise, it was a promise with God, I have to take this one seriously, you know what I actually take all promises seriously because that’s my form of confirming the truth. Also marriage is a touchy topic for me, so this is a HUGE deal and I know God knows that too.

Okay back to what I was saying, oh yes great news I passed my exams that was all so exciting and then boom reality hit me, I have to actually attend this marriage event. Some background info is essential here — if I don’t want to be somewhere it’s very visible. And I’m also not someone who enjoys small talk especially if I know you’re trying to get to know me, red blaring alarms turn on in my brain and my body translates that as ‘be rude’ obviously I’m not that mean, but my responses will be very straightforward. So you can probably tell that these kind of situations are just not meant for me, but I have to remember my promise.

So the day I’ve been dreading has arrived, I’m actually on time but I can’t get myself to go in. I’m looking down most of the time and I start to realize, yeah there’s no one here I would like to talk to, so I just try to avoid speaking but if we’re all taking turns i’ll say something. It’s almost time for the mid-way break and I have the fatest headache in the world because all I had to eat was a small piece of cake and lunch was being served. I completely forgot to think that I wouldn’t be able to eat lunch cause of my allergies, so I was basically hangry at this point. I was in a setting I did not want to be in, I was starving for hours and borderline going to faint, and I had to contribute to conversations that I wanted to run away from. I contemplated leaving at the break, but I had to remember my promise and for that I quietly went back to my assigned table. One person did notice I hadn’t finished my lunch, that was sweet, I honestly forgot the excuse I gave, didn’t want to share my personal info on my allergies with random people. I’m so unnecessary, I know (crying face).

Thankfully, the event is done and it’s time to talk and mingle-another nightmare of mine. Honestly, thinking now I am genuinely the worst person to be here, but I have to keep reminding myself — the promise. I gather my things and prepare to leave. Prior to attending this event I knew this is how it would end, my job was to be present and try. And I would say I did my best. Well, just wait till you hear what I actually did. My facilitator see’s me preparing to leave and asks if there’s anyone i’d be interested in speaking to. I politely say no, and let her know my plans to leave, she insists there must be someone, so I think to myself what do I have to lose (a whole lot girly), I had looked around earlier for thee guy who caught my eye but it seemed like he was gone. So I let her know and she is adamant he must be here, she looks around and lo and behold he’s already chatting up a girl. That was my sign-girl it’s time to get out of here.

As I’m writing this I’m questioning why I’m writing this. I think I honestly thought this is how our story would start. I thought we’d have to make a lie up about how we actually met cause there was no way in hell people we’re going to know the real one. I think I went in over my head, yeah i’ve talked to other guys but from the get go I knew it wasn’t going to work out. But this one felt different, or maybe I was just hoping it would.

I don’t really want to go into the details, but I want to say I’m proud of myself. I allowed myself to open up my heart to make room for someone. I haven’t done that in a long time. Did it hurt? yes. Am I over it? no. This is a big deal for me. During this entire process I thought I was being vulnerable, but I wasn’t. My definition of being vulnerable was letting this person have a peak into my life without them having to know my thoughts. But that’s not how this works. I tried really hard to avoid him being a part of my life out of fear. I did not want to get hurt. I did not want to be vulnerable. I did not want to be the wounded animal in the middle of the dessert alone, and no one to tend for it, and I would have to learn everything again all by myself. I’ll have to wrap my own wounds and spend time building up my walls, even taller this time. I’m so stupid, how did I let him slip through even though the entire time I was fighting myself to keep everything at bay. I undoubtedly failed myself.

I want to say I’m proud of myself, but for what? I let my fear of being hurt be louder than who I actually am. I was too busy telling myself that you’ve changed because I let them know how I felt. But did I even let them know who I really was? I was too busy holding back due to the fear of someone knowing about me, and that terrified me. But what am I left with? pain. The ending would have been the same, so why didn’t I just be honest? why is it so hard to trust someone else?

I know I’m a great person, I know I deserve to be loved, I know I have so much love to give. But I only know this now, and I think it’s alittle too late sailor. Now I’m left with no choice but to move on, but this time it’ll be slightly different. I’ll move on with an open heart not one filled with hate. I’ll move on with the mindset that I deserve to be loved and there is someone out there dying to love me. I’ll move on, I think I’ll move on. Is it bad that there’s this little string in my heart that keeps pulling at me, with the hope that we reunite later on? is it bad? It can’t possibly be that bad, or else why would it exist. Maybe I needed to experience this so I can accept love better, but from the same person? different person? or maybe they needed this? Am I Gods strongest soldier that I’m always chosen to be sent to battle? I think I might have come off as someone who’s in a rush, but I just wanted to hear that they felt the same way. And I didn’t get that. Do I blame them? yes, because they could have communicated instead of ignoring me and keeping all the thinking to themselves. An yes, I could have just called them out, but I was too busy holding back. Too busy working hard to not be myself. Too occupied with the fear of being known. Well they know you, now what are you going to do?

All I know is God has a beautiful plan for me, and I have left this in his hands. I know he watches over me and is proud of me regardless of the outcome. Because it’s only going to get better here on out. And i’ll cry when I feel like crying, I’ll look out the window into nothing when I feel like it, i’ll take the time I need to heal because these emotions make me human. I’ll take this lesson with me this time and won’t make it a reason to lock up my heart, but instead, a reason to keep it open. It might take a couple more days, weeks, or months, and I have to accept that that’s okay. Butttt he better be going through it emotionally and mentally like I am. I’m not saying he has to suffer, all I’m saying is I thought we had a soul connection, well whatever I was letting them, so he should be feeling this too. It’s totally unfair only one person should, not fair at all. And you know what’s not helping — my tik tok algorithm, telling me someone can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t need anyone to be feeding into my delusion. God knows what i want, and I’m just waiting for his perfect timing, and for now i’ll be prepping until it arrives. Not like anticipating, but more in a I trust God and his divine timing and he want’s what’s best for me way. You get me?