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Lost and Found in Words

When I can’t hold my pain

I am not a writer, and I won’t even think of writing stories ever. I start writing not to become a “writer” but to share the pain I could not hold.

It was a time when I had nothing to do but focus on my health, the recovery phase after my hospital discharge.

The time when “health” was the primary focus to rebuild, which collapsed after years of pain.

An unconscious mind, a bedridden body, and a minimal hope of survival.

I was advised to rebuild my health with the help of nursing and physiotherapy. And yes, with “patience and peace”.

But my thoughts……………

I was humble and calm, as a “life — a miracle granted to me”; but yes, the cruelty that systematically collapsed me haunted me.

I could not share the pain and cruelty that I faced in the name of norms and patriarchy, and still I can’t.

Nobody knows the whole story, and I can’t tell either.

It’s not that I am an introvert, or I can’t express, but some pains cannot be shared.

So, what should I do with my thoughts? It’s not easy to cope when the cruelty of people might kill you, and still, they have no shame or guilt. They are busy protecting their image and pretending to be “victims,” so no one catches them; they are the actual “culprits”

And you might lose your life to such people?

After losing my vitality, career, health, and even the autonomy of my suffering and pain, I really need to scream.

And writing is the safe place for me.

For months, my body was not at optimal health status, and I had nothing to do but cry over my wrong decisions.

Writing helps me to go through the whole dynamics of cruelty, which I denied for years. It’s horrible to face the reality of how much suffering you allowed just to save a so-called relationship.

Denial keeps you in a delusional phase that may be it’s not that cruel.

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Realization is painful.

But once you go through that pain, you let out the baggage of that pain. You become more empathetic and calmer.

It’s a phase towards your “peace,” which leads to your constructive growth.

It’s interesting, I might not decide this for myself, but destiny decides this for me. From a scientific writer to a literary writer, from Google Scholar to Self-growth books.

Leading towards a peaceful life, and yes, it’s amazing to share my pain, thoughts, and lessons.

The lessons I learnt

You should see the mirror of yourself, and go through the pain “completely”, to let go of the baggage. So you won’t bleed on people and justify the cruelty.

Cruelty has no justification, and no one understands this better than you. The only justification you received after a decade of humiliation: that this happened to me also, what’s wrong with it?

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“Do not be a woman who perpetuates the cruelty and toxicity of the patriarchy, taking revenge on others out of envy and insecurity.”

It is undeniably painful to watch a woman allow herself to ruin someone’s life, justifying it by saying, ‘I have endured this my whole life, so it is justified.

Your character is your power; Be unapologetically truthful;

Lying is lying,

Humiliation is humiliation,

Dishonesty is dishonesty,

Cruelty is cruelty, and

Injustice is injustice.

Lead your character with truthfulness, honesty, and kindness. It is your signature on the world.