For the Lore of It — Love, but Different. Lessons from my First Conscious Encounter with New Relationship Energy.

A few days ago, I dogsat for him. I took some tulips to cozy up the place.

“I love you. But, this time, I love differently.” We were sitting on the couch, looking right at each other, having one of those deep conversations we tend to have as part of our love making sessions.

It is the dark time of year, so the tiny room is lit with candles and the lights from the tiny Christmas tree he brought in make the moment seem warmer.

His face lights up with curiosity, “How so?”

“I am not afraid.” Saying that, and the absence of fear in my body, feel very unfamiliar.

I was taught I should be afraid of not being the “chosen one,” that a partner will fall madly in love for someone else and leave me because we are programmed to only build life with one other, to think a partner should be jealous, and that I should be afraid of not being loved enough and loosing my place — the script that says that a romantic partner always comes first. Sorry, it just doesn´t come naturally to me. I am not made that way and I question whether any of us really are.

As I wrote this over two months ago, I did not know life would test me a few days later.

And so, it came to pass.

The new relationship energy (NRE) took him by surprise while I was away on vacation. He had no idea what this was, it was his first time feeling this way. He was completely and utterly IN LOVE.

“I would like to keep the structures we have in place, let´s not make any huge changes,” I ask, after I examine and process my discomfort and determine what I need.

“I am not a robot, I just can´t.” Ah! Yes, I remember he is perfectly unpredictable. Still…ouch! EVERYTHING changed.

Sometimes, resources run out. Mine did. His did. Surprisingly, mine were quickly replenished through introspection, distance, dancing, structure, my own NRE with a different partner, and a long conversation with another dear partner from my beloved community. I admire his ability to be clear about his intentions, what he can offer each connection, and how he distributes his resources. He was the right one for the job! He is the only one with whom I shared what was going on as it is not my story to tell.

My story, however, is that I learned much more in a few days of managing the effects of NRE than I have learned in years of relating monogamishly and the months I have been living my love loring journey. I was ready to accept the lessons and, while they apply to myself, you may find some wisdom in them.

Lesson 1 — I will never bite more than I can chew

To do this, first, I need to be very aware of how much I can actually chew. I enjoy being close to those I relate, but I know I do not have unlimited resources to be equally close to everyone and I have to chose how I share them between myself and my abundant relationships (family, friends, partners…I am inclined at the moment to call everyone a partner, as we partner in creating connections that are pleasurable for both). As I meet new people, I must be honest about my energy and prior commitments if I want to build a community that is sustainable over time. I know I must dedicate time to each relationship, and decide together how we would like to build and share time. No scripts, just open and honest communication.

Lesson 2 — Sometimes I need to rest

Recently, I have had a few new dates out of discipline and never discarding that a great connection could ensue. I have also been honest with them and told them that I am not available for new sex at the moment, that my schedule is tight for a few months, and that I need to rest from the emotional work I needed to do recently. I needed to leave space for repair to happen, internally and with him. So I am taking time to rest into to my dear Wanderer and tuning into this new-to-me softness and hightened sensuality that I am discovering. I do not realistically have the capacity for more than sporadic fun dates. Building new close connections requires resources I do not currently have and, while the upcoming trips may do the trick, I may need more time. I have been honest about that.

Lesson 3 — Clarity is love

Of course that it is indispensable to know what I want in order to be clear with my connections. Since my relationship style has no prescription or socially mandated structure, I need to know what a person wants so I can ponder whether or not I can offer it and vice versa. To paraphrase a long time favorite: Ask for nothing, and you shall receive it…in abundance! The wish for clarity also comes with the territory of being autistic. Deciphering suggestions takes an immense amount of energy that I wish to focus in more pleasurable enterprises. My relationships thrive in clarity so I communicate, communicate, communicate.

Lesson 4 — I want my partners to be well, independent of me

One of the hardest parts of the work I did in January was trusting that my partner going through NRE was taking care of himself through it all. I wanted to cheer him on, be a resource, watch it front and center. Instead, I got to watch from very far and, although I am still rooting for his new connection, it is taking some guess work as to whether I should be happy for him or not. It seems things are going well now, and he is communicating more about this. I was delighted to feel joy in his words recently, even though this joy has nothing to do with me.

Lesson 5 — I deeply care about friendship

Loving someone through the confusion of NRE and realizing the grief was about the possible loss of friendship really drove this home for me. Here, my past experience with re-structures was very reassuring. I can proudly say that I only have one “ex” and the rest of my relationships have flowed into different spaces, keeping the depth and familiarity while not necessarily the closeness. All transitions are difficult for me but, again, having good experiences of what lies on the other side helps a lot.

There is still work to be done, of course. We are eternal works in progress.

“I am at the bar writing, if you want to pop by to say hello,” he texted me tonight. The text was very reminiscing of one of our first exchanges ever.

I was taking a walk close by, so I headed in that direction. As I came in, he was sitting there with his laptop, papers, and a glass of white wine that smelled sweet and delicious. We shared a good hug and I felt relief in the familiarity of it. I get a glass of whatever he is having and we catch up.

“January was super uncomfortable,” I tell him, as I sit next to him and hold his hand.

“I am sorry,” he offers, putting his head on my shoulder.

“I really missed my buddy!” I admit, now linking arms with him.

As we sat with our hands on each others´ thighs, I understand that I have flowed into a space that holds much love and compassion for him. A calm and steady love, the kind of love that endures for me. The happiness in this realization warms me. Now, I can hang the beautiful canvas we painted last year in the gallery of my senses, take out a new one, and start painting together again excited to find out what we will create this time.