Green Eyes

My Granddad stormed the beaches of Normandy on D-day and lived to tell the tale. He also ran off with another woman, leaving Kitty to raise 3 children on her own in rural Kentucky. Kitty worked at the Fruit of the Loom factory for over 20 years and was reminded of this every time she looked at her hands. Her hands showed the classic deformities of advanced degenerative osteoarthritis: Ulnar deviation, overpronunciation of the interphalangeal joints and clubbing distally, likely from years of smoking cigarettes.

Chronic cyanosis will cause that, you know. It’s funny, you know, gas exchange. How self-assured our bodies are at deciding they are no longer able to maintain appropriate blood concentrations of O2 and CO2. It’s not hard. The membrane is semi-permeable to gas molecules, so why does the scarring in lungs impede air? Why can’t air just pass through the scar tissue? It’s almost as if the scar tissue does not know that it is also made of carbon and oxygen chains.

Ahhhh, the phospholipid bilayer. It does not allow for ion exchange passively, right? Extracorporeal membrane support: ECMO. Prone positioning with ETT. Useful along with CRRT for end-stage acute respiratory distress syndrome. I am glad I did not know this is how I would die. What an unfitting end for a brilliant, kind, screaming lamb.

So full of love, light, art, stories, and wisdom. I wish I had not spent my life calculating how many calories I could eat so that I could drink 10 beers/night. I drank them every night to settle my nerves. I didn’t find another way in all of my 48 years to settle them, save for the moments of clarity and peace I felt.

They were so very fleeting. I did not see them before they were gone. I didn’t see my daughter’s concern as love. I saw it as blindness. How could they love me? I was a monster. I lived my life chasing the high and let them drown in my wake. I was selfish, lazy, and consumed by my own desires.

Or was I?

Was I perhaps mistaken in all of this? Was I perhaps unaware of my special gift? I did not know the sacred spirit came to me. I did not know I was the sacred spirit. I did not know I deserved to live a life of health, wealth, safety, comfort, and happiness. I cursed at God for giving you to me and taking you away. I saw nothing but clouds. Clouds and then sunshine.

Ly-O-Lay Ale Loya.

I did not know the voices in my head were my loves. They were my family. They were my ancestors.

My Big Granny stood 6.5 feet tall and her name was Lola. My Granddad’s name was Ralph, and yes, he did wreck it.