The Morgenrot Trail: How Facing My Deepest Fears Transformed Anxiety into Self-Efficacy

A new year brings always a spark of hope to our lives.

This might, however, not be the case for those of us suffering from panic and anxiety. And for you, if you are battling and see no end to this suffering, I want to bring hope. Even more importantly, I want to bring a new, more constructive and warming way to see panic and anxiety: self-efficacy.

For over five years now I have been battling with both of these formidable frenemies. While everyone was fighting a world pandemic, they came to me as my personal one. During a bike training session they attacked remorselessly, leading me to a desperate process of seeking medical help every single week to ensure that my heart was not failing. I would stop riding the bike at first. I would stop going out to avoid those fear sensations. They chased me in my dreams, even during intimate moments. Weeks after, not even the walls of my apartment were enough to keep those specters away.

The symptoms I suffered began to remit and let me regain my life and confidence only after I started cognitive-behavioral therapy, backed by science as the most successful therapy against these disorders [1,2,3]. In a nutshell, the goal of this therapy is fear extinction. During our fear avoidance phases, such as my own described above, we generate the so-called “fear memory” that rewrites our brain in becoming over-reactant to otherwise normal situations [4]. We must therefore rewrite those connections, and there is only one way to do so. The golden rule is:

“Is there anything you don’t want to do due to fear? Then… DO IT!”

Obviously, this seems impossible. How could I face any of my fears when my existence was ironhandedly ruled by fear itself? The epiphany moment when I finally began to address those fears and resume behavioral therapy came by reading Hyperion, from Dan Simmons, when an alien parasite implanted on Paul Duré’s chest had the following effect:

“This thing only seeks to avoid death without any reasoning, by any means. I do not wish to die, but I prefer to accept pain and death before an eternity of empty existence.”

This sentence encapsulates dramatically a life with anxiety and the way out of it. We long at home for brighter futures when fears will go away and we will be our previous selves again, but only facing those fears will be the shooting star making our wishes reality.

A science-backed transformation

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is a way of living. A life-transforming journey. A journey without end, that we must embrace to keep our anxiety and fears dominated. Note I say dominated and not away. This is because anxiety and fear are part of ourselves, as it is an evolutionary response from our ancestors [5]. Only their overreaction is pathological. We need to train our brain to accept them in the right moments but to dismiss their false alarms when it has to. This is the core of cognitive therapy. It is called neuroplasticity [6]. We actively search our fears over and over again to show our brain that those situations are mundane. That no alarms should be sent. And as our brain learns this, it rewrites the internal wiring, leaving us new. And here is where the message of hope I want to bring for this new year comes.

Cognitive-behavioral therapy offers an entire transformation of our brain and it offers, as drugs do, secondary effects. However, unlike drugs, these secondary effects are extremely positive and valuable for our future selves. Research shows that people who successfully go through this therapy, thanks to their constant exposure to their deepest fears, develop a state of self-confidence, known as self-efficacy, that shapes completely their future lives [7,8,9]. They become much more confident people. They are able to see problems from a much more relative perspective, surely a less terrifying approach comes. People see their lives much more colorful and lovable than they did before.

Doesn’t it sound great?

It is not only that you get rid of your fears and recover yourself. You transform into a much better self. Less troubled, happier with life.

Seak your Morgenrot

There is a beautiful word in German without, I think, direct translation to English: Morgenrot. Literally the “Morning red,” it stands for those warm kaleidoscopic colors that appear in the east heralding a new beginning. Warm visions that come when you most need them. At the coldest and darkest of night, when all hope seemed vanished. New year is a new Morgenrot. A moment of resolutions. And if you are feeling anxiety and panic, your resolution must focus on facing them. Not on sending them away, but on converting them into your friends.

Expose yourself to your fears, no matter how hard they are, and you’ll see recompenses.

Record every single exposure. Every single success. Minor as it may seem. For that will show you that you are coming out. That will strengthen your will when it may weaken. Anxiety and panic dominated minds focus very selectively on bad memories [10,11,12], so add every good memory, every laugh, every fear conquered, every moment of love to that list. You will have in it the testament to move forward.

And when a new year comes, you will realize how strong you were. How you are improving your life. And your self-efficacy will come and hold your hand into a new life.

A personal picture taken during one of my morning walks. One of the many Morgenrot to come.

A life, a permanent Morgenrot on its own, full of hope and warm feelings.

I will keep sharing my anxiety and panic journey on my personal blog: datastar.space/morgenrot.