Elevate Your Stay With A Glass Of Hotel Bathroom Sink Water

It’s drinkable . . . technically.

Image by Henryk Niestrój from Pixabay

When you stay with us, your comfort is our priority. Sprawl out on your room’s king-size bed, soak away the stress of your travels in an extra-large bathtub, and wrap yourself in a fluffy bathrobe while you gaze upon spectacular views of the city. And if you get thirsty, pick up an empty drinking glass, remove its tiny paper hat, and fill it to the brim with tepid water from the bathroom sink.

Widely praised by our health inspector as “meeting minimum potability requirements,” our bathroom sink water has everything we need to meet building code, and everything you need to stay hydrated, if you’re cool with taking a swig from the same faucet where you just rinsed poop germs off your hands. While this water always comes out freezing every time you wash your face, it becomes aggressively lukewarm when you want a drink, highlighting its bitter, subtly metallic, and otherwise weird taste you can’t name.

We’ll tell you what this taste is: It’s the essence of thousands of previous hotel guests brushing their teeth and spitting into the sink, and the resulting splatter of toothpaste drops hitting the part of the faucet where the water comes out. It’s the flavor of vacationers who did a terrible job packing and washed their one pair of socks in the sink seven days in a row. It’s the tang of unsupervised kids who found it hilarious to put their Cheeto mouths directly on the tap and lap up the running water like dogs.

Though our sink water always gushes out suspiciously cloudy into your glass before turning clear, it is 100% purified, if by “purified” you mean “infused with bleach from the washcloth used to clean the faucet.” And if the thought of that makes you sick, the toilet is only eighteen inches away, spraying tiny urine droplets with each flush over every inch of the bathroom, including on the spigot we have the audacity to expect you to drink from.

If straight tap water isn’t your cup of tea, we invite you to make a cup of tea (or coffee, or watery off-brand cocoa) in the room’s provided coffeemaker, which previous guests have used creatively to make ramen or even wash their underwear, per TikTok. If your beverage is too hot to drink, feel free to add some ice cubes from the machine we never clean. Take a soothing sip and you’ll soon be in heaven (literally, unless you’ve done something heinous like wash your underwear in a hotel coffee maker).

But should you prefer to quench your thirst with something other than our technically drinkable bathroom sink water, feel free to purchase a $4.50 Dasani from the second-floor vending machine or drink the unopened Dasani from the honor bar at no charge — save for the $11.50 we’ll add to your total when you check out.

You may also fill your water bottle at the fitness center — but be warned, the water fountain is always blocked by the terrifyingly ripped eighty-year-old woman doing kettlebell swings. Also, the fountain is usually broken.

You are also welcome to order water via room service, which will be delivered to your door ninety minutes later by a seventeen-year-old staff member who never washes his hands after masturbating in the supply closet. Don’t forget to leave a tip!

Otherwise, we invite you to our free daily continental breakfast, where we offer unlimited cucumber- and lemon-infused water in fancy giant carafes, which we filled from the sink on the first-floor communal bathroom.

We strive to go above and beyond for every guest, and we are happy to enhance your stay in any way possible. But if you’re dissatisfied with the idea of drinking bathroom tap water, you should have upgraded to a suite with a kitchen — as long as you’re fine with the housekeeping staff cleaning the kitchen faucet with the same washcloth used to wipe down the toilet.