PERSONAL ESSAY

Same Movie, Different Man

Fifteen years later, I finally got it

Photo by Karen Zhao on Unsplash

It was early 2000, I was 18 years old and sat in a comfortable cinema chair, next to my girlfriend. She wanted to watch ‘Moulin Rouge’, a movie I wouldn’t have watched on my own. Being deeply in love and seeing Nicole Kidman was enough to make me tag along.

In the movie, the quote ‘the greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love and be loved in return’ came up. It went straight past me. Fifteen years later, the same quote would hit me, this time with full force. But first, I had to lose almost everything.

2014, the great black hole

I got divorced in late 2013, a relationship squeezed out to the bone after 10 years. There was nothing left to give to each other, except the ultimate freedom of letting each other go. Soon after, I learned that freedom without structure is one of the most dangerous things in life. It’s basically like a black hole, sucking in everything coming into its neighbourhood, giving nothing back.

I couldn’t handle the freedom given back after my divorce. There was only time to kill, having no job either. I went from one party to another, to fall asleep in my bed or in someone else’s. When home, I tried to escape my loneliness with loud music, watching TV and series, eating, … it helped little to silence the noise inside my head.

One morning, I woke alone, again not knowing what had happened the night before. I checked my phone and saw some disturbing messages from my close friends. Some wondered if I was okay. Some said they had seen a version of me they didn’t know existed. Others sent me messages saying they would prefer not to see me for a while and that I would be better off seeking some professional help. The more I read, the more I felt myself falling as if the floor beneath my feet had vanished.

I felt deeply ashamed and wanted to run away as far as possible. Away from everyone, away from me, away from life itself. ‘How do I end this?’ was circling inside my head. I realised I had lost just about everything I had at this point. Even my friends were leaving me behind. I dropped my phone next to me and sat on the couch, tears running down my face. I had never felt so miserable before.

2015, a year off

That day, I promised myself never to get into such a situation again. But before I could avoid it, I needed to know what caused it. And similar to a movie, I started going back in time and replaying big parts of my life.

Every day, I sat on my couch, contemplating my past. Seeing images I had repressed for years. Scenes Hollywood would cut for being too violent. I saw how my parents fought with each other. How once, my drunken dad tried to hit my mom with a thick chain normally used to close the gate in the backyard. I can still see the sparks flying out of the chain when it missed my mom and hit the ground instead.

Some things started making sense to me. I could see my own habits, recurring decisions I kept making over again with the same results. I saw an image of myself, how I was living on autopilot, choosing the fun of alcohol and partying. It was devastating to see how I was the one who didn’t take care of myself, leading up to the problematic situation I was in.

Oh, my… How hard it was to see all that. I still feel my heart beating faster when I am typing this.

So, I didn’t run away; I stayed where I was, on my couch, and I turned inwards instead. I did so for an entire year and started watching movies. And you guessed it right, Moulin Rouge was one of those.

2016, be the quote

So there I was, sitting in my usual spot on the couch, my legs stretched out on the extended piece, waiting for the movie to begin. From what I remembered of it, I was expecting a fun movie with lots of bombastic scenes. Little did I expect Moulin Rouge to open with this gripping song, Nature Boy.

My legs curled up beneath me; I leant toward the screen and got this weird feeling in my stomach. The movie showed Ewan McGregor typing in the quote, and I felt the hairs on my body stand up, my eyes well up, and tears run down my cheeks. There was something about the part of ‘learning just to love’ shaking me up inside.

For months now, I had been trying to figure out the past, looking for my mistakes and how I could have avoided them. As I sat there, I paused the movie to let all the feelings and thoughts happen to me. I felt an incredible love inside me, spreading further outwards, like a blanket wrapped around me.

Then something clicked. I can look for mistakes and wrong choices as much as I want, and sigh and weep at every wrong turn. But if I cannot accept the past as it is, I won’t get any further. Learning to love is loving all of it: the good, the bad, and the ugly. I understood that from my ugly past, even some sides of me I didn’t like, something beautiful would arise.

I finally felt I could love myself.

2026, the aftermath

Not everything is easy to love. There are days when I feel I have lost the capacity to love. When work weighs heavily on me. When having a family is not like a fairytale and feels like work. In those moments, I remind myself that even these lesser times are there to cherish.

I met my soulmate only a few weeks after watching Moulin Rouge. Right now, I am writing this in my office. In the background, I hear children’s laughter. My heart beats faster. My boys are inviting me to play, an offer I cannot refuse.

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