Chapter 1: The Doubter

Don’t take this book too seriously. I live in contradictions, dualities, and constant doubt.

I don’t mean I am completely lost; I struggle with it. But if you are not ready to see the

world differently, this book is probably not for you. It might feel like a waste of your

time.

Why do I doubt everything? There are many reasons. Some are personal. Some I

discovered over time, through experience and learning. I can say this with certainty:

nothing lasts forever. Everything comes, and everything goes. Even if something stays

with you for a long time, eventually it will leave.

Your possessions, your achievements, even your personality — all of them can be taken

from you by trauma, illness, or life itself. Relationships with people don’t last forever

either. Everything is temporary. Even the universe you think you understand is just a

construction in your mind, a way for your brain to feel safe.

This is why I doubt everything. I don’t fully trust anything. Naturally, I even question my

closest friends. They may stay with me, but can I really say that nothing I’ve

experienced is false? Can I trust my own perception of reality?

Even when we ask ourselves questions, we might not see the answers in the same way.

Even if we live in a community, each of us is different. We may share experiences, but

even the smallest detail where we differ can change our perception completely.

I don’t believe in absolute truth. I don’t think anyone is 100% certain of anything —

except for God, in my view. God created this universe, according to me, as a reason for

us to worship Him, to seek closeness, and to act in ways that align with Him. What

pleases Him is what we cooperate with each other to do.

After I got sick, I realized that even my own thoughts are not fully mine. Some are

automatic. I lose track of my feelings, my sensations, my emotions. Yet, I am still alive. I

can still say I exist. Even when the world seems to betray me, even when everything

around me feels false, I am still alive.

I doubt everything. Even if something seems true, I might give an example: two apples.

One plus one equals two. But are these two apples ever truly equal? If we merge them

into one, does equality even exist? This is the paradox I see in life. Even the simplest

things — the living beings around us — can never be truly identical.

And so I ask again: if nothing lasts, if even truth is relative, what can I truly rely on?

What is real, and what is only my perception? This is where my doubts begin, and

perhaps, where they will never end.