SOCCER IS DRIVING ME MAD

Welcome to the World Cup of Diving, Whining and Occasionally Playing

The World Cup of Endless Stoppages

I’ve learnt by watching the World Cup that soccer matches go for ninety minutes, but on average an extra fifteen minutes of stoppage time is added. The reason for this is that players feel the need to debate every free kick awarded against them with the referee. The accused player always looks astonished by what he’s accused of, and tells the referee he’s a family man with two kids and would never set such a bad example to them.

Then his teammates rush up to give character references, saying he’s a pillar of the community, has started his own charity, and would never do anything to besmirch his stellar reputation.

Then they provide character references for the player who’s rolling around on the ground, seemingly in agony, clutching his leg as though it’s almost been severed and he’s doing his best to keep it attached. They say he’s known for this behaviour, is the lead actor in an amateur theatre company, and has won awards for diving.

So the player briefly stops rolling around to demonstrate his acting skills by miming giving his assailant a card, preferably a red one, then suddenly remembers his agony and starts rolling around again, but this time now clutching his other leg.

Now every player on the field surrounds the referee offering their witness statements. By this time the referee is trying to wave them away like he’s being attacked by Hitchcock’s birds, but to no avail, and is now in the state of mind to do some fouling himself.

In fact, this has actually happened, most famously when a Brazilian referee fatally stabbed a player when he refused to leave the field after getting a red card. The fans didn’t like it so they rushed onto the pitch and beheaded the referee. This resulted in some of the fans being banned from matches, some up to six weeks, which they regarded as excessive and appealed their bans from prison.

And, finally, after all the players’ evidence has been presented, the referee ponders his decision, may even run off the pitch to consult VAR — the soccer equivalent of the Supreme Court — then returns and announces the verdict: the original decision stands. The players who lose the appeal throw their arms up in disbelief as though they are the victims of the greatest injustice since Trump had his election stolen. Then they finally get on with the game, some minutes after the foul had been committed.

This happens so often that when the half is scheduled to finish the referee has to add two days of stoppage time. Then another day of stoppage time during stoppage time. This is of course a misnomer and should be called whining time.

Also, some referees make it worse by trying to be the players’ friend: he puts his arm around them, soothingly explains his decisions, and even listens to their victim impact statements. Some might even counsel them and offer advice. Yet after that, the decision still isn’t reversed and the clock continues to tick. But what he should actually do is zap them with a cattle prod and tell them to get on with the game.

And it doesn’t help that when a goal is actually scored, the scoring player sprints off celebrating as though he’s just overthrown a totalitarian government. Then his teammates leap on him and it quickly degenerates into a Roman orgy. And finally, some minutes later, when they have all been sated, the game resumes.

Of course, some injury time is legitimate as it does hurt to get kicked in the leg. So to stop that happening all the players should be made to wear leg casts and maybe even moon boots. Hopefully that will keep them on their feet long enough for the game to flow for at least a few minutes without a player going into a death roll.

So if the players keep wasting time I’m going to hand down my own Supreme Court decision and invade the pitch and get stuck into the beheading. Far more entertaining than watching players standing around whining instead of actually playing. I hope FIFA will heed my suggestions.

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