UNFOLLOW-A Writing Challenge

Is it a rule that an Apology should not be accompanied by an “Excuse”? Why? What if it was Nobody’s Fault?

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Photo by Brett Jordan on Unsplash

Someone apologized recently… a kind, sweet, and resourceful person at that. I asked why. But the sweet person said that they wanted the apology to mean and matter, and that giving a reason or an excuse would make it a weaker apology… just a chance to explain themselves.

But I wanted neither, actually. I was just framing my question poorly.

All I wanted was to know why all that happened, happened… and more importantly how to keep it from happening again.

When an apology happens, I want the person being apologized to, to not think that they had been wronged for no reason, or worse, that it was no accident… that they had been deliberately wronged.

Most of the time when

things happen as no one’s fault.

Right? Things just happen sometimes — even throught people — and we need not necessarily blame someone — or someone does not need to take blame. Things happen for no one’s fault!

So, is it not okay to apologize and also share why you think it happened?

I suppose there is a subtle, important difference between an explanation and an excuse… An excuse says, “I did this, but here is why it wasn’t really my fault.” An explanation can simply say, “I am sorry this happened… and this is what I think happened, so perhaps we can understand it and make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

The first one can be a way of deflecting responsibility. The second can be an attempt to build understanding. It all lies in what we define as an excuse versus explanation. Intent is all that matters, right?

Of course, an apology that is used entirely as a chance to deflect — and then claim that “I apologized even though it was not my fault” — may be the only thing that truly falls into the wrong zone in the Venn diagram of apology, reason, deflection, excuse, and attempts at patching things up.

And yes, people do apologize even when it is not their fault… Sometimes they even apologize when they are the ones who were wronged. It happens… and it shouldn’t become a permanent thing. No one should have to apologize sans reason.

But articulating an apology simply to manipulate someone into forgiving? That is different. That is not an apology doing the work of love… That is an apology being made to do the work of escape.

So… have I been apologizing wrong all my life?

Because I have always believed that it is possible to say sorry… really, really mean it… and still talk about what happened. Not to defend ourselves; not to prove that we were right; not to quietly smuggle an excuse into the equation.

Just to understand.

And I believe this because I have found it helpful to remember one thing: nothing is usually a person’s fault. It does not always have to be anyone’s fault.

We are human. We misunderstand. We assume. We forget. We react. We get tired. We say something badly. We hear something differently from how it was meant. Sometimes circumstances gather themselves into one unfortunate little storm, and nobody actually set out to make it rain.

Yet sometimes… we still need apologies.

We need gestures.

Especially when the person being apologized to is a grateful person, a kind person… someone who may otherwise begin to wonder whether the world is a harsher place than they thought it was.

An apology can tell them: No, you did not imagine what happened. I saw it too. I know it hurt. And I care enough to acknowledge it.

Perhaps that is why we apologize to each other… because we all do things wrong, even unintentionally. Sometimes we even do them to ourselves.

And perhaps an apology does not always need to live alone. Sometimes an explanation can bring light and comfort with it… not as a defence, but as an open door.

At the end of the day, though, it is probably not the apology itself that makes things better… It is the emotional moment around it. The love. The kindness. The openness. The embrace. The expression of something we sometimes cannot quite express properly.

Those are the things that wash away everything wrong in the world.

And perhaps, sometimes, “I’m sorry” is simply the little word that opens a cascade of good into the casket of the heart.

Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

Tagging and thanking 🌸Preeti Pathak🌸 Metaphor and Muse ( Prakhar Sahu), Monika Mahadev, Supriya, Silence Remembered, Wandering Quill, Maria, Unnati, Ryan Hwa @ Narcissism, Love, Unfiltered, Stoicminds Channel, Novena's Pulse, Cailleach, Lisa Honda, Lucan Grey, abdullah🍂, It's Misbah, Martins Don, Joseph Achou, and The One Alternative View

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🔗🕊️ This story is part of the writing challenge, “Unfollow.” Sometimes, the chains that hold us back are invisible: the need to please, to belong, to impress, to be enough. Write about the moment when you stop following one of them. Find the prompt here:

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