[embed]Can you say “Dorian Gray?”

Top Reasons Pam Blondie Looks So Young

Has anyone heard of “The Picture of Dorian Gray?”

Can’t you just hear the wind whistling through her ears? Or see the sign that says, “What, Me Worry?” Wikipedia.

I don’t know about you, but I was stunned when an alert reader pointed out that Attorney (gack) Generalissimo Pam Blondi is 60 years old. In fact, I was so shocked, I had to look it up just to make sure. And it’s true. She may look like she’s a 20-some and act like a teenager who was just grounded after having taken the family car on a joy ride without permission (I mean, she’s definitely taken the country on her own joy ride without our permission), but she really is almost ready to join the ranks of AARP Magazine readers across the country.

Here are the secrets to how she manages to look so young even though she’s really so old.

She has a well ventilated head

Things that aren’t exposed to a little bit of air tend to get moldly quickly in a dark, moist environment, but Blondie doesn’t have to worry about such a fate. That’s because her lack of brain matter allows the wind to go whistling through her head, giving her eyes the dewy, glazed look that makes you wonder if when she and Groper Cleveland are behind closed doors, she yells “You’re the King Frank…er…Donald.” (Most people who are Blondie’s age will get this joke.)

There’s an ugly painting of her in the basement

Ok, so maybe her painting doesn’t look like this, but only because Dorian was a male and she’s a female. Amazon.com

Yes, that’s right. Just like Dorian Gray, she has sold her soul and has a painting of herself in the basement that’s getting older and more disgusting looking with every heinous act while she appears to remain young.

She possesses a cursed antique good

Don’t look behind you, Pam. The cursed object hunters are gaining on you. TV Insider

No matter whether you’ve read Stephen King’s “Needful Things,” were a fan of SyFy’s “Warehouse 13” or watched “Friday the 13th: The Series,” there’s no question that she must own a cursed object that allows her to retain her beauty only as long as innocent victims are sacrificed to satisfy Satan. It was easy when she was attorney general in Florida because nobody noticed that an occasional random loner might go missing, but now that her needs are leading to incidents like ICE agents killing blameless individuals, people are starting to notice.

A deal with the devil

There’s no aging picture somewhere or an object that gives her special powers, she just sold her soul to the devil outright with none of those fancy, literary provisions you libs love so much.

She’s relying on bodily fluids from Epstein victims

What? Too soon?

Some of you are willing to believe that Jewish space lasers are causing forest fires, that high profile Democrats are running a child sex slavery ring out of the basement of a Washington, DC pizza parlor and that the Obamas are lizard people, but you aren’t willing to believe this?

What is that substance that they’re supposed to be draining out of children? Adrenochrome? Kodachrome? Ivermectin? Tri-Ricky-Lucy-Fred-Ethel-Booga-boogacide? Whatever it is, Blondie has a limited supply and she’s running short. That’s why she moved Ghislaine Maxwell from a high security prison to a minimum security Club Fed and is now working behind the scenes to get her pardoned. Blondie is hoping that once Maxwell is wild and free, Epstein’s friend will help the AG procure the fluids she needs before her face starts to melt like Kristi “Garden” Noem’s face.

What? You’re okay with stories about immigrants eating dogs and cats and believing lies told by a government official who’s willing to shoot a puppy, but you criticize me for this theory?

Well, at least I know what the level of the room is.

That’s it. Everybody go on home. Show’s over. For now, at least, but don’t forget to keep your champagne on ice and your popcorn at the ready, because the shit could get real any minute now.

Or not.