August 27, 2026

(trigger warning for calorie counts at the end of the day and struggling with food overall)

*free version here*!

Starting late again at 15:45. I slept in late, rushed to my nutritionist appointment, and came straight home.

No Elvanse today so I can hopefully eat a bit more and not be kept up late by the stimulant. Instead I have a Monster to keep me awake and had my usual probiotic drink breakfast before rushing off. I thought my nutritionist was going to be mad at me for the wild inconsistency in my diet, but I don’t think that woman has a negative bone in her body. She cheered me on for eating well the day after a low intake— “as long as it balances out and you’re maintaining, you’re doing good”. I not only slowed down my weight of weight loss, but gained back up to my maintenance weight of 65.0kg on the dot. Now I have permission to do ten minutes of muscle-building exercise a day, as long as I keep an eye on my weight and aren’t burning too many calories to keep maintaining. I do have a stash of Barebells that would make a great post-workout snack, and they’re something I can pretty reliably tolerate eating.

Posted yesterday’s entry to Medium— I now qualify for making paid-only posts, so I do that but also include a friend link to read for free. Since I have a Medium membership, I’ve been trying to find and read more from small creators on the platform, so they get my Premium Viewing Revenue, or however that works. I have the Friend Of Medium subscription, 18 Euros a month precariously balanced on top of my existing budget. It gives me access to TK, which I’m really starting to like as a place to write before cleaning up posts to publish on Medium. The least I could do is read some other authors’ work and give them Claps and Reposts. I don’t quite know what Claps actually do, but unlike Likes you can give multiple of them, like a round of applause.

At 9pm I’ve managed to get down a chocolate Fresubin. It’s a good flavor, like thick nutritional chocolate milk. I hopped in a voice channel on Discord for a friend to take a bong rip with me while I use my medicinal vape and try not to feel guilt about it. I spent a while chit-chatting with friends about medicinal cnnabis, and how differently it’s treated in the US vs Germany, and how neither is a good solution for anyone.

During this call, my online friend Andy gets approved by a website similar to the one that approved my prescription here in Germany. We celebrate; the laws in Texas are much stricter in Texas, keeping a lot of people from getting the help they need in a legal way, and we’re glad he found a path to get symptom relief, even while giving money to predatory companies feels wrong. We’re putting a dollar in the pocket of companies making money off of the overly restrictive legislation we’re fighting against— they do not benefit from this being made easier to get, if they can control the supply, and are therefore financially motivated to be opposed to legalization efforts.

At 9:30 I’m annoyed by the realization that a bottle of Fresubin is not enough to be my daily intake. The vape makes me very chatty and relaxed, which helps with physical pain symptoms without leaving me feeling too impaired, but it’s not doing anything for my hunger.

At nearly 11 I come inside from compulsively pacing. I have so many things I need to do. Why amd I like this? Why can’t I just eat? I can take care of every single task I’ve ever had on my to do list and then I will have nothing left to do but force myself to eat. If there’s any kindness left in the world maybe inpatient will actually fix me. Three months at home hasn’t and even then I’ve come a long way and it’s still hard and sucks every fucking day. I don’t want to do this any more. It frustrates me so much that my foot bouces againt the floor, my body desperate to move, to run away from this feeling. Pacing for hours out of sheer anxiety, wanting to stop, knowing I need to stop, not able to stop. I’m nauseous, like even the Fresubin from earlieris too much.

The cat bullies me out of the bedroom so she can use the litter box. I find a package of sour watermelon dates and start getting to work. They’re pretty good. Definitely healthier than just packing in calories with ice cream, with natural sugar and fiber in the dates and the citric acid coating helping my mouth salivate a little. Makes it a bit easier to eat. Finishing the whole bag doesn’t seem immediately doable, though, and even if i did the entire package was 325 calories. Not really doing heavy lifting.

I sprinkle fresh probiotic deodorizer over the litter that I forgot when I added some earlier today. I need to take the bin out- the robot hasn’t told me it’s getting full, but it must be by now. How often had my poor boyfriend done it because I forgot? Xion then proceeds to take a piss over the freshened litter, shoveling pawfuls of it outside of the litter box in the process.

Thanks, girl.

I wonder if there’s a name for the type of near-panic attack you have when you think about what a bad pet owner you are and feel like you would be tearing up if you had the fluids to spare, am I right everyone? Relatable experience? Make sure to like and subscribe.

Until 2am I stay awake, fighting down a portion of Chili Cheese Nuts I found. Nuts are tasts and high calorie, but tend not to agree with my stomach. For the moment, I just care about bumping my intake up to a normal range.

I’m not too worried about overshooting- before the dinner and snacks, though, I was sitting at around 600 for the day.

I’ve also been making little tablet to-do lists, since having it visible on my desk seems to play nice with getting my brain to listen and actually get things done.

Notes to self, drawn jokes to screenshot and share in the group chat related to a conversaion, definitely not enough focus on eating throughout the day.