I Used To Let Others Tell Me Who I Am

When I first came out, right before I turned 12, although I was certain of who I was, I was confused about my expression. I knew in my heart, in my soul, that I was a boy. I had known it since I gained consciousness.

But others?

Nobody knows me.

Nobody knows who I am inside.

But I want them to see. They need to see me for who I am.

When I got my first phone for my 12th birthday, I started researching.

How do I look more masculine?

How do I “act” like a boy?

I stumbled upon videos and channels of other trans men, with them all having their different takes on their own perceived masculinity. I didn’t know it now, but it was toxic.

Strip yourself of your personality.

Become someone you aren’t to please others around you, to make them comfortable.

Not for them to understand.

I was told every little thing; every hand gesture, the tone I speak in, the music I listen to. Everything was “girly”. Suppose you didn’t do these things. If you didn’t meet the expectations of these people, you weren’t really trans.

I thought,

” I like these things… I do these things…am I faking?”

It plagued my mind.

It tortured me.

And I changed.

I was bitter, angry. I was masculine. Toxically masculine.

But I passed, I blended into my peers in middle school, as a boy. I was terrified of anyone knowing.

They couldn’t know who I was, who I am.

During lockdown, I got it together. I had all the time in the world to reflect, to change, to really be myself. I’m okay now, I know who I am, and I’m very secure in myself.

However, if it weren’t for my getting on the wrong path early in my transition, I don’t think I would be where I am today.