ALMOST TRUE

JD Vance to Hire BAFTA’s John Davidson to Drop the N-Word on His Behalf

Vance to create one job opportunity for the disadvantaged

A Visualization of JD Vance’s 2028 Presidential Campaign by author

Sources close to the Vance camp say the Vice President is planning to hire John Davidson — the Tourette’s activist who turned the 2026 BAFTAs into a swear-fest — to be his personal “curse assistant.”

As a man who’s spent his political career tiptoeing around accusations of racism, JD Vance wants Davidson’s help to handle the heavy lifting of dropping the N-word. Because nothing says “I’m not racist” like outsourcing your epithets to a guy whose brain does it involuntarily.

Friends say that the idea struck like a thunderbolt when Vance saw footage of the BAFTA’s host Alan Cumming apologizing for Davidson’s N-word outburst and exclaimed, “Holy smokes! There’e my loophole!”

[embed]

For the uninitiated, John Davidson, a Scottish campaigner whose life inspired the BAFTA award-winning film I Swear, let loose with the N-word while Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo — two Black actors, were presenting an award.

An Ethics Question

Who thinks Davidson have been segregated to a soundproof booth, like a naughty child at a wedding? This smacks of ableism. But letting him roar freely risks traumatising others.

It’s the ultimate no-win scenario, a moral dilemma trolley problem where the trolley is careening downhill towards a cocktail party of celebrities.

[embed]Outcry Roils BAFTAs After Guest With Tourette Syndrome Shouts N-word at Michael B. Jordan and… Lindo told Vanity Fair afterward that he and Jordan "did what we had to do" while presenting-but that he wished…www.vanityfair.com

Despite having a two-hour lead time, the BBC chose not to bleep it, apparently to “respect” Davidson’s disability.

Meanwhile, they did manage to censor a winner’s cry of “Free Palestine” from Akinola Davies Jr’s speech. Priorities? One wonders if the BBC edit suite has a special filter for geopolitical opinions but none for racial slurs.

The internet exploded in a debate over whether neurological tics get a free pass on hate speech.

After X users noted people with Tourette’s could be “racist as fuck”, racists in Appalachia began organizing Tourette’s training seminars and self-diagnosing.

“It’s the next Asperger syndrome,”

says one social psychologist we interviewed in Chattanooga.

Davidson, who’s been physically assaulted in the past for his uncontrollable outbursts, became an overnight symbol of controversy. And now, apparently, JD Vance’s new best friend.

The plan, according to insiders, is simple: Hire Davidson as a “cultural consultant” for Vance’s 2028 presidential run.

Whenever Vance feels the urge to echo his racial grievances— like spreading rumors about Haitian immigrants eating pets — Davidson steps in.

An accidental blurted slur, and voila! Plausible deniability. “It wasn’t me,” Vance shrugs. “It was his Tourette’s talking.”

“Now hiring!” — WIkimedia Commons

If this scheme works, it could revolutionize politics: Why stop at slurs? Hire folks with conditions for all your dirty work — a narcoleptic for dodging debates, a kleptomaniac for campaign finance. The ethical implications are endless!

In Vance’s future America, if you can’t do it yourself, just hire someone who can do it for you.

This is a work of satirical fiction — no actual job offer has been extended, no “curse assistant” position exists in the Vance administration, and JD Vance has not, to our knowledge, expressed any intention of outsourcing racial epithets to anyone else.

John Davidson is a real person who has courageously advocated for Tourette’s awareness despite severe personal hardship. If this piece offends, confuses, or triggers anyone — especially those affected by Tourette’s, racism, or the exhausting discourse around both — consider it proof that satire remains a blunt instrument best wielded with caution. No animals, disabilities, or vice-presidential ambitions were harmed in the writing of this piece of nonsense.