I Saw Your Silhouette Once, and I Ran Away

I thought I was over it until today.

I didn’t even see your face clearly. Just the outline of someone standing from afar. The way they tilted their head. The way they walked. And suddenly my chest tightened like my body remembered something my mind had been trying so hard to forget. For a few seconds, I thought it was you. And that was enough to ruin the rest of my day. Funny, isn’t it? How someone can leave your life but still live inside your nervous system. How years can pass, conversations can disappear, feelings can be buried under routines and late-night distractions, yet one small resemblance can bring everything back to the surface like it never left.

I hate that part. I hate how my first instinct was not to call your name, not to wave, not to smile. I ran away. Not literally. But emotionally. Mentally. Internally. I looked down at my phone pretending I was busy. I changed directions. I walked faster than usual. As if avoiding you would also protect me from remembering every version of myself that once loved you too much. And maybe that’s the saddest thing about healing. People think healing means you stop caring. But sometimes healing is just learning how to survive the memories without letting them consume you whole. Because the truth is, I’m still angry at how deeply you affected me. I’m angry that my heart still pauses whenever someone looks a little bit like you. I’m angry that I still write about you in metaphors because saying your name directly feels too real. But more than anger, I think I’m grieving. Not even you, maybe. Just the person I was before everything became so heavy. Before I started questioning whether people actually stay. Before silence started feeling louder than words. Before I became someone who leaves first just to avoid being left behind. Seeing that silhouette today made me realize something terrifying; Some people don’t disappear. They just become smaller ghosts inside us. And maybe one day your silhouette won’t make my heart race anymore. Maybe one day I’ll look up instead of looking away. Maybe one day you’ll simply become another stranger in a crowded place. But today was not that day.

Today, I saw your silhouette once. And I ran away.