Philophobia (2)

Philophobia (2)

trying to adapt to what has been happening lately feels as though the elements inside my head have begun carving their own paths. i have encountered a few things that bring joy, but even more that i have had to let go of. i keep hoping there will be moments that might happen again someday, i hope…

habits that had become part of my life for several months suddenly had to change. the routes that used to make me smile whenever i traveled through them had to be replaced. cipete – haji nawi – asean was where i first began creating new memories here. at the same time, various new things arrived, leaving me confused, feeling unfamiliar, yet also bringing their own kind of happiness.

even so, i still often lose to the past (to be honest, i feel a little amused whenever i say that word) that continues to disturb my thoughts. almost every sadness i feel these days seems to end up in the same place… the past. even regarding things that were never my fault, there is still a sense of responsibility that somehow keeps striking my mind. i keep wondering how long that feeling will remain.

there is a sense of guilt toward the person i am now, because i have not yet been able to give myself the things i should be allowed to receive… peace, acceptance, and the chance to live without constantly judging myself.

tonight, i began thinking about why human beings need a companion in life. perhaps because, as time passes, life can feel monotonous with its repeating routines, and quite exhausting when lived alone (for some people). the presence of another person is not always meant to fill a void, but rather to share the burden of the reality that life is not always easy to understand.

but in reality, is that truly possible?

i myself would not advise someone to enter a relationship with a person who is still struggling with their wounds and the complexities within themselves. i call it a mental illness… and i place myself within that same possibility. being unprepared to face new things, fear, and excessive anxiety often make everything feel more difficult. not because i do not want to grow, but because there are still parts of me trying to understand how to live without constantly being haunted by what has already happened.

i am beginning to gather the pieces that have long been left behind and starting to try again with the new things i have encountered lately.