Iran: Ships, missiles, leaders going out of stock

Advisor to Iran’s Supreme Leader, Mojtaba Khamenei, who hallucinates missiles and hasn’t seen the sky in weeks: “Sir, out of 500 missile launch pads, our enemies have taken out more than 350. Around 1,000 missiles and 80 air defense batteries lie useless. Out of 31 provinces, 21 were attacked. Our Navy is now providing free housing to fish at the bottom of our waters and the Indian Ocean. Dozens of scientists, researchers, nuclear experts, and military personnel are in Jannat. And our Arab and Muslim friends? They want to skin us, tie our hands and legs, and make a kebab out of us over a coal fire. Sir, it seems we should accept that our hands are tied and stop.”

Mojtaba: “Hands? My balls are in a knot, rats are playing football in my chest, and my intestines have forgotten their job description. I can’t focus; in fact, I don’t want to. Do you have any cocaine? Single malt whiskey?”

Advisor: “Sir, my heart is missing beats, and I haven’t seen my family for a month. Morale is at rock bottom, and so are some of our leaders and my colleagues. And I am terrified as the revolutionary guards suspect I may be a spy, as I am still alive.”

Mojtaba: “What!? Alive? So am I! These Israelis, that sadist, Netanyahu, and that orange, squinty baboon in America, they’re killing all our leaders so that there’s no one left to make a deal with them. That’s why Larijani and others were killed: to enrage us and wipe out as many of us before the halted oil and other supply lines begin to cause more pain far and wide. And now Netanyahu is targeting our oil and gas fields, so we’ll have to target Israeli, Saudi, and Emirati refineries. I am tired of having to choose between opposites. This nuclear bomb business has done nothing but make us attract and support hyenas.”

Advisor: “I know, sir, that’s why I feel I have split in two. I hug the wall and stay away from windows. In fact, unless it’s required, I don’t think at all, in case the Mossad implanted a chip in my brain without my knowing about it.”

Mojtaba: “Come on, don’t be jumpy. My leg, curse the Jews, is better, so let’s wear swimsuits, go through the tunnel, and go bungee jumping to pump some adrenaline. Moving targets are harder to hit.”