The Safe Harbor of My Forties: Why I’m Afraid to Sail Away (Part 1)

Towards the Global Fcking Forties…*

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There is one start in life that is beyond our control, and between that beginning and the end, there are many stops along the way. For women, turning 40 can feel like a red alert — wrinkles around the eyes and face, having or not having a child, financial stability, mental health, healthy relationships with family, partners, and friends, achieving goals as much as possible… The list goes on.

When I think about this whole “turning 40” thing, The Beauty Queen of Leenane comes to mind. It tells the story of an elderly woman in her seventies who depends on her daughter’s care, and of a woman in her forties who, in turn, is trapped caring for her mother. A forty-year-old virgin who has kissed only two men — Pato and Ray.

Her relationships with both men remain unfinished because of misunderstandings, lack of courage, poor communication, and, in my opinion, her mother’s interference.

At first glance, reading or watching the play may suggest that it is merely a commentary on the mistreatment and subjugation of women in Ireland. One might also interpret Maureen’s virginity as the root cause of her violent and ultimately murderous tendencies, and therefore criticize the play as misogynistic.

Because Pato leaves for America with a bride in tow, and Maureen is driven over the edge by her mother’s interference in their relationship, it would be understandable to mistake Beauty Queen as an anti-woman play that ties the success of a female life with marriage and childbirth. However, I would argue that these four characters represent not the idea that women can’t succeed in life if they’re not good marriage material, but the perils of a nation that retreats into the past to regain national identity, resulting in antimodern gender roles and a defunct institution of marriage that not only prevents productivity in its citizens, but actually results in destruction.

We can also approach this piece through Balbus’s synthesis theory, particularly in relation to the figure of the toxic mother. From this perspective, we can trace a connection between narcissism and theories of mothering in the play.

Maureen lives in her mother’s house and does not have a space of her own — I think this is a nod to Virginia Woolf — nor does she fully have ownership of her own body or identity. The people in her life, especially her mother, constantly comment on her existence: her body, her choices, her past, and her current situation. I could briefly sense her presence and emotional state in many different scenes.

At the same time, while watching this work as a stage performance, I was struck by the many similarities in women’s experiences regardless of country or geography. It became clear that women often face the same kinds of struggles everywhere. They are expected to endure numerous challenges in order to survive, often by sacrificing their desires, and the toxic relationship between mother and daughter causes significant emotional pain. The play carries a distinctly Irish rural tone, yet it also has a global resonance, enriched by a dark sense of humour.

To be honest, I feel fortunate to have encountered this play before turning forty. In the past, I was somewhat unaware of how women’s issues are shaped by globalization over time. The experience gave me strength and allowed me to see this timeless work by a male playwright in a new light.

On the other hand, the tendency to position women against other women — whether in families, workplaces, schools, or friendship circles — remains an important question. Society often encourages division and conflict instead of solidarity, rather than women rising together. This remains another painful and unresolved dynamic.

To Be Afraid To Sail Away

Each year, each new age and step brings new experiences, a new self, and new perspectives. We can either create something better than before or gradually destroy our self-confidence and expectations from life and from ourselves.

In my twenties, I was shadowed by my own ignorance. In my thirties, fear became my only compass. Now, approaching forty, the sea both within and around me has finally fallen silent. I am building a home — a harbor made of strong bricks — to set aside the false patterns of society and keep my safe space warm and steady, surrounded by loved ones. I deliberately choose those strong, unadorned bricks, without bright colours, once again to shut out people who value only visual appearance and the superficial aesthetics of today. I clearly see that there are still many challenges, difficulties and adventures in the society for us. At that point, I try to save myself from inorganic drama and relationships.

I think that’s how I stay safe in my forties’ harbor.

What is your trick for staying away from the drama of your forties? What is your safe harbor in your forties?

To be continued…

There are some links about the Beauty Queen for you;

https://vc.bridgew.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=&httpsredir=1&article=1149&context=honors_proj

https://www.concordtheatricals.com/p/14352/the-beauty-queen-of-leenane

https://www.druid.ie/productions/the-beauty-queen-of-leenane

https://www.scribd.com/document/403765060/Beauty-Queen-of-Leenane

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Beauty_Queen_of_Leenane

https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2022/oct/26/the-beauty-queen-of-leenane-review-theatre-by-lake-keswick

Love From Jade