“Losing Myself, I’m High”: How Isaiah Rashad’s “Claymore” Maps Addiction to the 5 Stages of Grief

There’s a moment in Isaiah Rashad’s “Claymore” that stops you cold:

“Losing myself, I’m high”

Three words. One confession. All of addiction and grief in a single breath.

Released in 2021 on The House Is Burning, “Claymore” is more than a smooth, R&B-influenced hip-hop track with Smino. It’s a raw and honest look at addiction and grief coming together. Addiction doesn’t just cause grief. It turns into grief.

Let me show you how.

The Claymore Metaphor: When Your Vices Blow Up in Your Face

“Claymore this way, it’s almost like control / Let’s swang”

The word claymore is the key to the whole song.

A claymore is a massive Scottish sword; brutal, heavy, designed to split. But “claymore” also refers to an explosive weapon; one that can blow up in your face if you’re not careful.

Rashad is saying: his vices are like a claymore.

• Swing it right? It feels like control.
• Swing it wrong? It blows up in your face.

And that’s exactly what addiction does.

“Get a little better when it’s a lil’ loud involved”

For a moment, the noise drowns out the pain. The claymore swings. You feel powerful.

But then?

“Losing myself, I’m high”

The explosion hits. The vice blows up. You’re not in control anymore. You’re gone.

The Double Loss Nobody Talks About

When someone becomes addicted, two people grieve:

1. The addict grieves their former self — the person they were before the substance took over.
2. The partner grieves the person they loved, who’s still physically present but emotionally gone.

Psychologists call this “ambiguous loss.” The person is physically present, but emotionally gone.

In “Claymore,” Rashad embodies the addict. Smino embodies the partner watching someone they love disappear.

And both of them are stuck in the grief cycle.

The 5 Stages, the Addiction Loop

Dr Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five stages of grief: denial → anger → bargaining → depression → acceptance.

They’re not sequential. People get stuck. And in addiction, they stay stuck.

Here’s how “Claymore” maps onto each stage:

1. Denial: “You Can’t Control Yourself”

“You can’t control yourself”

The addict knows they’ve lost control but won’t admit it. The partner says it bluntly. The addict hears it but doesn’t believe it.

In addiction: “I’ll cut down tomorrow.” In grief: “This can’t be happening.”

Same denial. Different language.

2. Anger: “You Done Destroyed Yourself”

“You done destroyed yourself, yeah”

This isn’t just observation. It’s rage. Self-blame. The addict screaming at themselves for what they’ve become.

In grief, anger comes at the world. In addiction, it comes at yourself.

3. Bargaining: “Can We Take This Easy?”

“Yeah, they be like Teisha, can we take this easy?”

Smino’s verse is the partner begging. “Just slow down. Just try. Just… be better.”

In grief: “What if I had done something different?” In addiction: “I’ll stop next week. I promise.”

Bargaining is hope without action.

4. Depression: “Losing Myself, I’m High”

“Lo-lo-losin’ my, losin’ my, losin’ myself, I’m high”

The repetition. The stutter. The admission.

This is the core of the song. The addict realises their identity is gone. They’re not the person they were. They’re not even the person they want to be. They’re just… high.

In grief: “I can’t function.” In addiction: “I can’t function with or without it.”

5. Acceptance: The Stage That Never Arrives

The song ends. The chorus loops. The cycle continues.

Acceptance doesn’t happen.

That’s the point. “Claymore” doesn’t show recovery. It shows the moment before recovery when you’re still trapped in stages 1–4.

Why This Song Hits Harder Than You Think

This isn’t fiction. This is Rashad’s life.

The House Is Burning came after a five-year nightmare: addiction, reckless spending, rehab, a leaked sex tape, and a suicide attempt. He called it “awful.” He said he wanted it to end.

But he didn’t die. He got better.

And “Claymore”? It’s the sound of him still in the fire.

The Takeaway: Recovery = Stage 5

The grief model works for addiction because both require the same thing: processing the loss instead of numbing it.

Substances numb grief. But grief doesn’t disappear. It compounds. It creates more grief. More addiction. More loss.

Rashad’s full album shows him coming to terms with acceptance. “Claymore” shows him stuck.

That’s the difference between recovery and the cycle.

One Last Line

“Get a little better when it’s a lil’ loud involved”

For a moment, it works. The noise drowns out the pain.

But then the music stops. And the grief is still there.

And you’re still high.

If you’re reading this and you’re in the cycle: you’re not stuck forever. Acceptance is possible. Rashad made it out. You can too.