Night of Prayers

Lately, I’ve been getting sick more often.

Lately, eating has become difficult.

Not because there isn’t food in front of me.

But because every bite feels heavier than it should.

Some days, I force myself to eat just enough to get through the day.

Some days, even that feels impossible.

Lately, my body feels weaker.

My energy disappears faster.

Everything feels exhausting.

And lately, I haven’t been sleeping.

I lie down for hours staring at the ceiling, waiting for exhaustion to finally win.

Most nights, it never does.

My mind refuses to stop.

The memories keep returning.

The questions keep returning.

The emptiness keeps returning.

And every morning, I wake up feeling just as tired as the night before.

But life doesn’t stop.

Responsibilities are still there.

Work is still there.

Obligations are still there.

So I keep forcing myself forward.

I keep showing up.

I keep doing what needs to be done.

Not because I’m okay.

But because I don’t know what else to do.

The truth is, I don’t feel like talking much anymore.

I don’t feel like explaining anything.

I don’t feel like answering questions.

When people ask how I’m doing, I usually stay quiet or give the shortest answer possible.

Because I know they don’t really want the truth.

And even if they did, I wouldn’t know where to begin.

How do you explain feeling exhausted all the time?

How do you explain carrying grief into every room you enter?

How do you explain waking up every day feeling like something important is missing?

Most days I just look down and keep moving.

Not because I’m angry.

Not because I hate anyone.

I’m simply tired.

Tired in a way that sleep doesn’t fix.

Tired in a way that rest doesn’t fix.

Tired in a way that reaches places deeper than the body.

And when the day finally ends, when the noise disappears and the world becomes quiet…

I pray.

I pray.

And I pray again.

My nights are no longer filled with sleep.

They’re filled with prayers.

Sometimes I ask for strength.

Sometimes I ask for peace.

Sometimes I ask for understanding.

And sometimes I don’t even know what to ask for anymore.

So I sit there in silence.

Looking into the darkness.

Trying to survive another night.

While everyone else sleeps,

I remain awake,

Alone with my thoughts,

Alone with my prayers,

Waiting for you, my peace…. that never seems to arrive.