Breaking The Wall: The Well of Love is Within

I’m yet again getting caught by the feeling of such gratefulness. It took me a moment to realize that I finally achieved the fondness I once dreamed to have — the embodiment of my name. Though it's not completely there yet, there has been so much progress I’d love to storytell.

The main point is all in the big picture — for how I perceived love to be all around. I love telling jokes to my friends, I love complimenting the people I cherished, I love celebrating my closest ones as their happiness also determines mine, I love smiling and saying hi to people I adored, I love being whimsical in my own being now. In short, I love the huge feeling of love.

Such translations of loving and being loved are still debatable — and there are still many ethical forms that we need to consider. However, enlarging such standards doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re losing it. Perhaps, being a positive-perspective seeker could help to lift up our well-being. Loving your friends is a part of our life too, loving nature is also part of the system, and loving ourselves is the foundation.

It was almost impenetrable for me to finally let myself easily access the expressions of love — for me to see it not only as a noun, but as an active verb; a matter of kindness & the nuance of joys. Redefining how I perceived love itself helped me so much in restructuring such protections that I called both as boundaries and barriers; this process made me realize all the efforts I put in were shaped by the fear of embodiment.

“If I didn’t let them see me, they wouldn’t be able to wreck me down.”

The thought remained strong till this day, and it had cost me so many friendship-breakups or the unachieved quality of bonds I desired to have. It was honestly heartbreaking; because all of those events were supposed to be preventable. But yet, I surrendered to the anxiety and falsely went back to the cycle of fear.

As for now — given myself the realization — I’ve tried to speak the same speech all over again to re-state it,

“Love is not supposed to be such a static source of our filled expectations. If we calculate it by how many doors we let them in, the joy would also be limited as it’d feel awkwardly settling in and our mind needs to think with the heart all the time. As humans, it’s exhausting to intellectualize our emotions all the time. And yet, not all feelings should be thought with inquiries, you just let yourself feel; to laugh, to cry, and to spread smiles with no heavy considerations.”

“Love is not as sacred as we think — it shouldn’t be put on a pedestal. It’s not only able to be found through romantic bonds, it’s platonic too. It’s the joy we feel for the warm-heartedness; it’s the basic engine of our positive compositions. Love is not exclusive, when you think it has always been free given by everyone consensually — it’d be easy to find love everywhere.”

And my last self-talk placed herself to be the game-changer for my mindset-shift,

“All of the fear we put as the entrance-gate of our love was caused by the principle of ‘I’m defined by the love I received’; not only did it increase the dependency trait, it also isn’t aligned with how the model of love looks like. Love is reciprocal, it’s even unconditional at one level — thus love is a two-directional model, and it’s one directed with us as the subject at its best form. Through the math, we learned that it shall not be defined by the love we received, it’s defined by the love we gave.”

‘…it’s defined by the love we gave.’

Those phrases alone summarized how I initiated my moves these 2 months. I freed my steps to be more direct on how I want to build friendships with people I surround myself with, I gave compliments directly when I feel those people deserve it, I love my friend’s smiles & genuinely want to paint more joys & help uplift them. And when I did it — not with the basis of naivety, but with verity —I secured the love I was hoping to receive.

Hence, one of my favorite lessons to tell remains to be this — for me to break the wall, to openly enjoy the connection, to be more assertive towards my relations — as I should’ve known that the well of love has already existed inside myself that I no longer need to wait for the love to come, but to perform as the love itself.

And by that, the transformation has made its way through. The love has returned to its home; and I finally could cherish myself like how I’ve always wanted to, with the people I endear beside me :)