Life at 45: Hot, Cold, and Everything in Between

Being in her shoes now makes me grateful for my mum’s efforts day in and day out

Photo by cottonbro studio

Completing 45, my body has decided to keep me guessing — one minute I’m fanning myself like I’m in the Sahara with my brain turning foggy, the next I want all the ACs switched off as even the fan is enough to pinch through my skin.

How is this even possible? But what really hits me now is the realization: Oh! This must’ve been how Mom felt…when she would sleep all fine and wake up with hangover symptoms without having had a sip. She never had one, but she was always under the effect.

I remember being a teenager, rolling my eyes when she snapped about laundry on the floor or sighed over having to knead the dough. Back then, I didn’t get why she was always tired, why her moods swung so fast, or why she sometimes just sat at the kitchen table with a cup of tea going cold in her hand, just staring into space. Now? I get it. We get it.

Life doesn’t slow down just because your hormones are acting up. You’re still doing it all — working, taking care of the kids, running the house, socializing, and trying to remember who you are in the middle of it. Some days, you feel like you’ve got everything under control. Other days, you forget simple words, cry for no reason, or eat a whole chocolate bar just to cope.

I’ll talk about mine, and let’s see how many of you turn up in the same boat as me!

The Mood Swings

My emotions are all over the place. One second, I’m calm. Next, I want to yell because someone left the milk out again, or the wardrobe door was left open. And the tiredness? It’s not just normal tired, it’s the kind where even thinking about taking a shower feels like too much.

Then there are the hot flashes. I could be sitting, enjoying a movie with my family, perfectly fine, and suddenly I’m sweating like I just did my cardio… I’m feeling suffocated and nauseated. Meanwhile, everyone else is still enjoying their chips and the movie.

The Never-Ending To-Do List

My family helps but still I feel like I’m the one who keeps everything running. I have to remember school projects, doctor’s appointments, and what everyone likes for dinner. But sometimes, I just want a break. Not to be “Mom” or “Employee” or “Partner” or a “Daughter-in-law”, just me. The person who used to read books just sits back and listens to the latest songs, or sleeps a full night without waking up at 3 a.m., worrying about everything. But then, that’s not how I’m wired.

That’s when it hits me: Mom felt this too. She raised three kids while her body was probably screaming at her, and we didn’t even notice. We just thought she was “being dramatic.”

I finally understand why Mom used to look so overwhelmed. She wasn’t just “nagging”… she was carrying a mental load we didn’t realise.

My siblings and I laugh about it now. “Remember when we’d all come home from school and leave our backpacks in the hallway without pulling out our tiffins for wash, put our uniforms just anywhere like it was Mom’s job to take care of them or at least remind us daily to pick them up” “Remember when we’d expect something special for dinner after she worked all day ” We cringe — and then we call her just to say, “How did you do it? Seriously, how?” because now I am playing that role. Me and my sis are in her shoes.

We remember her saying with a smile or in an annoying tone — You shall understand once you have kids of your own and Yes We Do!

But there is good to this, too!

There’s a pinch of guilt, of course. I do wish we’d helped more, hugged more, noticed more. But even with all the chaos, there’s strength and wisdom in this phase. I finally see my mom not just as “Mom,” but as a woman who was juggling exactly what I’m juggling now.

I’ve finally realised I’m not here to please everyone and keep everything in perfect shape. I’ve understood it’s okay to say ‘No’ a few more times. It’s okay to forget birthdays and anniversaries and just keep up to New year and Diwali wishes.

I’ve learnt from my mom and my mom-in-law how to manage and “What Not To Do”. I’ve learnt from their suffering what needs to be left and where I need to stop.

And it’s got a silver lining too.

I expect less, and so the less I feel bad or neglected or ignored. I’m happy not being invited to a party many a time…hahaha.

Now, when my own child sighs at me for being “too sensitive” or not understanding her life challenges, I try to breathe deep and smile. One day, she’ll get it too. And maybe, just maybe, she’ll too call me and say, “Okay, NOW I understand why you always used to say I do not have more patience for that discussion.”

So, here’s my shout-out to every woman out there riding the same rollercoaster… You’re not just surviving. You’re nailing it like a warrior, just like our moms did long before us. And to my mom, if I ever share this with her… We see you now. And we’re so sorry about the backpack and attitude thing. We loved you then, we love you more now…each day!

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