Modern dating is basically non-monogamy. We just pretend it isn’t.

Most people are already navigating non-monogamous dynamics. They just don’t have the language for it.

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My friend Cam and I were sitting in the park the other day when he told me about a woman he’s been dating for the last two weeks. He likes her a lot and thinks the feelings are mutual.

But he was facing some internal conflict.

Another friend of his wanted to set him up with a friend of hers, and they were planning to go on a first date that coming weekend.

He was also planning to see the woman he’s been dating, let’s call her Leslie, that weekend too.

He asked me if I think it’s immoral to see Leslie, and then see this new person for a date the very next day.

“It seems sleazy,” he added.

“I don’t think it’s sleazy to be with one woman one day and another woman the next. What is a bit wrong is doing something that you think would hurt someone else and keeping it from them intentionally in order to avoid consequences. That’s the part that’s sleazy.”

He thought about this. “Yeah, that makes sense, but talking to my friends from home about it, there were all like ‘You’ve been dating for two weeks — she doesn’t need to know!’”

I felt myself growing frustrated because I’ve heard exactly this absurd reasoning before.

In fact, I’d used it myself.

One of the biggest heartbreaks of my life was with a guy I was dating back in New York, but we weren’t “official” yet.

And I used the fact that we hadn’t explicitly agreed on being together to justify sleeping with someone else during a vacation in Europe that same summer.

I did want a “real relationship” with him…just not quite yet. Mostly because I wanted to have carte blanche during this trip I was so much looking forward to.

In the mainstream world of dating, until we think it’s time to really commit to someone — meaning slap on a girlfriend or boyfriend label — the status quo is to be somewhat sleazy.

To think of anyone we’re not “officially with” as having “no rights.”

What we’re actually doing

Here is the problem as I see it. In these pre-relationship phases, when we’re dating but not sure we want to commit to someone, what we are doing is essentially practicing non-monogamy.

But we’re not necessarily doing it openly or ethically.

I think one reason is that we as a culture believe non-monogamy is immoral to begin with.

So even during that ambiguous early dating phase, when many people would be seeing more than one person at once, we often are afraid to say it out loud.

We also don’t want to hurt the feelings of the person we’re dating.

So instead of talking honestly about what’s happening, we conceal it. We avoid the conversation altogether.

And that’s where we start becoming sleazy.

That’s when the godless f*ckshow begins.

“In these pre-relationship phases, what we’re actually doing is practicing non-monogamy.”

When it came to my lover in New York, I had neither the language nor the nerve to say to him ahead of time, “Hey, I’m going on this trip and I’d like to be able to hook up with whomever I want if that opportunity arises. I like you though, and I’d like to keep getting more serious with you. How do you feel about that?”

Nope, I didn’t say that because that’s just not what people did. And it’s not what most people do now either.

I was also afraid of what would happen if I were honest.

What if he wasn’t okay with it? Either I would have given up the freedom I wanted on my trip, or I would have lost him completely.

Neither of those options sounded great.

But honestly, what ended up happening was worse.

I did hook up with someone else on that trip and when I got home I felt guilty keeping it from him. So I told him what happened.

He was hurt and didn’t trust me anymore.

Even though we kept dating for a while, he never saw me the same way again.

I spent months trying to make it up to him, hurting too, as he continuously distanced himself from me.

A few grueling months later, we were done. (More on this in my book: *Monogamaybe?*)

Let them choose

I understand the urge to just avoid the conversation altogether. What’s the point of causing conflict?

And it’s true. There might be scenarios where it’s not worth telling the other person that you’re going on a date with someone else, especially if you just started seeing that person.

But I would still ask myself: Do you feel like if you switched roles, you’d want to know? Even if not, based on what you know about this person, do you feel they would want to know?

Ultimately transparency is about respect.

Maybe the person you’re seeing would feel hurt by the fact you want to date others.

But don’t assume they can’t handle the truth, and keep it from them because of that.

Give them the information and let them figure out what to do with it. Be there for their feelings and reassure them you’re still interested if they feel some discomfort.

Regardless of whether we decide ultimately to be monogamous or not, we need to stop this culture of NOT talking about the fact that we want to see other people.

It’s just plain old sneakiness.

After talking a while that day in the park, my friend realized the true reason he wasn’t feeling good about going on another date that weekend: Keeping something from her didn’t feel right even when he technically knew he didn’t “have to tell her anything.”

The next day, he knew what he had to do.

He was a bit nervous but he got out his phone and called Leslie, telling her about the other date he had planned.

Apparently, she was totally understanding and happy he let her know.

I don’t know what will happen to Cam and Leslie. Whether there were more feelings about it that maybe weren’t expressed yet (honestly, quite likely.)

Or whether they will keep seeing each other long term.

But I do know, I want to live in a world where we can be honest with each other. Where we realize there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with wanting to date multiple people at once at any point in our lives.

Honesty is not just a form of respect for the other person but for yourself too.

In my friend’s case, he wanted to meet this new person and see what she’s like. And his friends were right about one thing:

He was doing nothing wrong.

So why should he feel he needed to hide it? Why put that burden on himself?

When he can instead stand by something entirely reasonable — and be his true self, desires and all.

If you find yourself repeatedly in situations where honesty, desire, and emotional clarity don’t neatly align, and you want support making sense of it all, I offer 1:1 coaching.

It’s a space for working through jealousy, attachment, and non-monogamous dynamics in real time.

**You can read more here.**