Nobody Fed Me Love From a Spoon

Photo by Belinda Fewings on Unsplash

I had a rough childhood and even rougher teenage years. I was coping with trauma before I even knew what it was. I had to grow up faster than the other kids my age. I was working a full-time job before I turned 17, and I became the breadwinner for my mum and siblings before I even clocked 20. I never had the privilege of just relaxing and letting someone take care of me. I’ve always been the one taking care of everyone else.

That’s just to give you a preview. It was rough.

When it came to dating, the only advice my mother ever gave me was "Leave boys till you’re older or else you’ll get pregnant.” And I did just that. I didn’t know much about dating or love, but what I did know was that I was and will always be a lovergirl at heart (I have a tattoo to prove it.) I love love. I love being in love. I love being loved and loving someone right.

That was the issue, precisely. I didn’t grow up in a home that had healthy love. My father emotionally and physically abused us all the time. I chop beating to the extent I became immune 😭. And every single time he beat me within an inch of my life, he’d call me later and say, "You know I do all this because I love you.”

I never understood how much damage that one sentence did to me until much later, in my 20s.

I’ve been with people who belittled me, abused me, insulted me, embarrassed me, and took advantage of me, and all because I didn’t understand what love meant. I try not to talk about my dating history because I always end up going viral (if you follow me on Twitter, you already know what I’m talking about 😂), but yes, I’ve been with some questionable characters. Despite it all, I’m grateful for each one of them because I learned my lessons. I learned what love is and isn’t. I learnt that just because you’ve never been fed love from a spoon doesn't mean it’s okay to lick it off knives.

I got out of a relationship in March. I wish I could demonise him and say he wasn’t a great guy, but that would be a lie. He’s a great guy. Very sweet boy sef 😂. But he wasn’t giving me everything I wanted, and I noticed I had started to settle, accepting half-efforts. He didn’t know how to love me the way I wanted to be loved. No matter how much I tried to teach him, he just couldn’t get his shit together. Eventually I got emotionally burnt out and ended it.

Since then, I’ve had a lot of realisations I want to share, especially with other first daughters.

The first realisation: I don’t need to be needed in order to be loved. I deserve to be loved just as I am.

I only fully understood this yesterday. It’s a pattern from childhood that’s manifested in every one of my relationships. I’m an act-of-service lover; I will arrange your whole life 😂. I’ll always go above and beyond for my partner because I learnt that was how you earned love. My parents only showed me affection when I was taking care of the family: cooking, cleaning, taking care of my younger siblings, doing well in school, and sending money. So my brain translated it as 'doing things for people so they need you = love'. As an adult, it’s made me a wife to some bum-ass niggas (catch your shade if you’re reading this).

Side note: Now I have to go back to my therapist and tell him I’ve unlocked a new layer of my trauma. Being painfully self-aware is more a curse than a blessing, if you ask me.

The second realisation: I never want to experience a lazy partner again.

You know the ones I'm talking about. Never willing to put in the effort, never curious enough about you, never anticipating your needs, never buying gifts, never planning dates. It’s so easy to find yourself taking charge and handling everything, because you already know your partner won’t. If it ever gets to that point, please leave. It doesn’t matter if he or she is “trying their best”. You don’t have to accept anyone’s best. Prioritise yourself, love.

So first daughters, please remember this:

I don’t need to do anything to earn or deserve love. I am deserving just as I am. I am amazing, intelligent, beautiful, and kind. I am always deserving of love just as I am.

And so are you.