Gender Wars: We’re Fighting Each Other Instead of the Problem

I came across a reel recently… it was abt sexism. It didn’t blame men. It didn’t blame women. It simply talked about how exhausting and damaging the growing ‘gender divide’ has become.

Then I opened the comments. I always open the comments.

Almost immediately, there were dozens of comments saying, “Women started the gender war.”

The irony was impossible to miss.

A video asking people to acknowledge sexism had somehow become another battlefied where everyone was desperate to prove that their gender was the real victim.

Maybe that’s the problem.

We have become so used to defend our side that we stop listening the moment we hear the word sexism. Instead of asking, “What is this person trying to say?” we ask, “How is this attacking me?”

In India especially, conversations about gender… they happen within a society that has been shaped by generations of patriarchy. That doesn’t mean every man is sexist. It means the system itself has historically given men more freedom, more authority, and more benefit while expecting women to adjust, tolerate, and stay silent.

Acknowledging that reality shouldn’t feel like a personal accusation. Right?

Yet every time women talk about harassment, assault, discrimination, or everyday misogyny, the conversation is often interrupted by familiar phrases…

“Not all men.” Haha!

Of course not all men.

Most women already know that.

The frustrating part is that “not all men” changes the subject. Instead of discussing the violence, the discrimination, or the behaviour being criticised, the conversation becomes about reassuring innocent men that they aren’t being accused.

The spotlight moves away from the issue and onto male discomfort.

When women express anger by saying things like, “I hate men,” many people immediately interpret it as hatred toward every single man.But for many women, that statement is less a literal declaration and more an expression of exhaustion after years of harassment, fear, or violence. It’s anger directed at the patterns they keep encountering, not a carefully worded statement.

Could that language be unfair? Sometimes, yes.

But there is an important difference between understanding where that anger comes from and pretending it appeared out of nowhere.

This is where people often try to equate misogyny and misandry, as though they function in exactly the same way.

They don’t.

Misogyny is not simply disliking women. It has historically translated into discrimination, violence, control, exclusion, and restrictions on women’s lives. It shapes opportunities, safety, healthcare, education, and even whether women feel comfortable walking home after dark.

Misandry certainly exists!! Men can face prejudice, stereotypes, ridicule, and unfair assumptions because of their gender. Those experiences deserve to be acknowledged rather than dismissed.

But recognising that doesn’t really erase the reality that misogyny has had, and continues to have, bigger consequences in many societies, including India.

These are not identcal phenomena simply because both involve prejudice.

The internet, however, loves false equivalence.

A woman shares a story about harassment.

Someone replies, “Men get harassed too.”

A discussion about domestic violence becomes a competition over statistics.

A conversation about women’s safety becomes an argument about false accusations.

Nobody learns anything because everyone is too busy keeping score.

Gender has become a team sport.

And every tragedy is treated like a evidence for one side instead of a reason to fix the system that hurts people.

The goal shouldn’t be to prove that women suffer more than men, or that men suffer more than women.

The goal should be to create a society where nobody has to fear violence, discrimination, harassment, or rigid expectations simply because of their gender.

It requires empathy.

It requires listening without immediately becoming defensive.

And it requires accepting an uncomfortable truth… criticism of a social problem is not the same as hatred of everyone associated.

Not every conversation about women is an attack on men.

Not every conversation about men is an attack on women.

If we stopped treating gender like opposing political parties and start treating sexism like the shared problem it is, maybe the comment sections would finally become conversations instead of battlefields.

Until then, the loudest voices won’t be the wisest ones.

They’ll just be the angriest.