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Facets Of A Fractured Self: (01)

Making Sense Of Senses

I’ve written two long pieces that explore the underlying causes of my mental struggles.

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I’m now going to put out a series of shorter pieces that expand on the central thesis to add depth to different facets.

Making Sense Of Senses

Since sensory overstimulation is my main problem, I’m going to give examples of how they impact me. While I sometimes see it written up that neurotypicals may have sensations they specifically don’t like — hearing people chew for example — for me it’s less about specific sensations and more about their intensity or ubiquity. What overwhelms me is when they take up a huge chunk of my brainpower, leaving me unable to focus on anything else, like a computer program using the entire CPU and causing the system to lag.

Though all my senses overwhelm me, they’re not all equally debilitating. If I were to rank them:

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(1) Sound

Sound is usually the worst sense to be overwhelmed by. Intense sound feels like I’m having ice picks driven into my skull. It makes my head throb and I have difficulty focusing on anything else when noise is bothering me.

One of the hardest sounds to manage is when a bunch of people are all talking at the same time in a crowded space. I have significant difficulty blocking out conversations that happen around me that I’m not a part of. Overlapping human voices are especially overwhelming because they’re not just sounds, they contain meaning. They contain words. My mind tries to separate and comprehend all the words being spoken, because that’s what minds do when they hear words being spoken. But because my filters are nonfunctional, all I get is gibberish. But my mind tries to deal with it anyway, which makes my head throb with pain as it tries and fails to interpret. This is one of the biggest reasons why I can’t stand crowds. It’s really difficult for me to focus on a smaller group within the crowd, so I usually resort to withdrawing into myself, unable to participate, only observe.

Other sounds that cause pain are those that repeat irregularly. Consistent sounds like the hum of air conditioning or running water are usually tolerable, because they merge into the general soundscape. But sounds that have some element of randomness to them, like footsteps, or mechanical rattling, hurt. Every occurrence calls out to me, saying “I’m here! I’m here!” Each one is like a jolt to my senses.

I’ve tried to compensate where I can; I turn off audio notifications, set my phone to silent, and sometimes play music loud enough to drown other sounds out. But these strategies can’t always be employed. I haven’t found any headphones I can tolerate for longer than about an hour; over ear, on ear, in ear, none of them are pleasant to wear. And I’ve yet to find earplugs I can deal with either; they turn distinct sounds into a muddled mess, and sometimes I end up hearing my own body, which is unpleasant in its own way. I don’t want to hear my own beating heart or digesting stomach.

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(2) Touch

The second worst sensory overload is usually touch. I actually like my touch sensitivity sometimes, because I can make myself feel good with little effort. Running just a fingertip across the palm of my hand is enough to induce a pleasurable result. But because I only need a tiny bit of stimulation, much more than that becomes to much to deal with.

Clothing is probably the worst. I always feel my clothes at all times when I’m wearing them. I feel even the lightest shirt on my shoulders. Every seam, every button, every loose thread, every fold of cloth; I feel them all. I’m picky about clothes because of this. I mentioned in the other piece that when I was a kid, my socks were often ‘wrong’. That’s still sometimes true. When trying to relax at home I wear the same few garments all the time because they trouble me the least. I would go around in the nude as much as possible if not for…

…for how the second worst part of touch is the pressure of my body against the environment. Standing, sitting, lying down, I am constantly changing positions because none of them are ever comfortable. When standing, I feel the weight of my body all the way from my shoulders down to my feet. When sitting, I feel how my bottom and back press up against the chair, how my feet feel either against the floor or dangling. When lying down, I feel the weight of my body against the surface I’m lying on.

Something is always prodding or pinching or poking or twisting or pushing or pulling or plucking or rubbing or scratching or brushing or tickling. I wish I could float in microgravity just to keep parts from touching. It’s not painful, it’s because every touch is saying “I’m here! I’m here!” grabbing my focus and demanding attention. I also keep my hair short and my face clean shaven because I feel all those hairs touching my skin if they’re there.

I also don’t really like touches that come unexpectedly. I can shake hands all day, because that’s an action that comes forewarned, but a touch on the shoulder from behind is startling and unpleasant. I can better appreciate touch when I’m told it’s going to happen before it does.

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(3) Sight

In the middle of the five typical senses is sight. Where sound and touch are pretty consistent in how much they bother me, sight can vary. Some days it’s strong, some days it feels what may be normal.

My eyes are extra sensitive to light, especially since having laser eye surgery to correct my sight many years ago. I can look at a tree a quarter-mile away and see every leaf standing out individually, not just a mass of vegetation. The benefits of having better than 20/20 vision far outweigh the drawbacks, but the downsides are still there.

Motion usually grabs my attention, particularly tiny motions in my peripheral vision. Like with sound and touch, it’s saying “I’m here! I’m here!” over and over again. I especially dislike when something reflective catches light, but only at a tiny angle, which happens to be the one when I’m looking mostly away and catch the gleam out of the corner of my eye.

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(4) Smell

Smell usually isn’t too much of a problem for me in most cases. Smell being less of a problem is mostly due to there not being many odorous things in my environment. No one who I am typically in close proximity to wears fragrances. But I definitely smell those things on the occasions I happen to pass by them. I mentioned before that I can smell laundry detergent from two floors away, that goes for most cleaning products. I don’t let garbage build up since I smell it straight away, even through closed containers. I also have sensitivity to the smell of cooking food. That usually depends on if it’s something that smells good like cookies, or something bad like cauliflower, though even pleasant smells can become unpleasant when too powerful.

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(5) Taste

Taste is probably the least troublesome for me because I only taste things when eating. Most of the time there isn’t anything in my mouth to taste. I use mints and cough drops throughout the day to keep my oral cavity clean and neutral, so for this sense specifically I’ve figured out how to prevent it from overwhelming me. But that’s mainly because it’s the one sense that is limited to my own actions. Sound, touch, sight , and smell all come from outside my body. But unless someone shoves something in my mouth, I’m in full control of this sense.

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There are times when I can appreciate how sensitive my senses are. I like being able to see long distances with hawk-like vision, to taste the richness of even lightly seasoned food, to tingle at a tiny touch. But I want to decide when to be sensitive and when not to be, not to have it be on full bore all the time. It’s so exhausting, being constantly stimulated.