january 29, 2020

january 29, 2020

11:34pm

I had a dream about you last night. Or should I say nightmare.

It was like a Costco warehouse? Gray and large, populated. Dusty murmurs warbled through the air from the subconscious, vibrating uncertainly until pop pop pop they broke through the surface. Chaos soon ensued, and somehow amidst it all, you caught my eye. How could I forget? I gave chase instantly, afraid to scream your name lest all I hear in return is the foolish roar of my blood. Like holding a seashell to my ear only to hear the dull dial tone. The peaks and troughs plateau. Cord wraps around throats and replace scraggly red remnants on pinkies. Nothing but loose threads.

I wandered into a room. You broke in seconds after. There was no warmth, no kindness, only need. Relief and fear churned within me. I needed confirmation. Desperation overtook my being as I clung to you. Let me drown in your presence and bathe in your scent if only for a moment. Where…? How…? Is it really you? Please stay. Don’t go anywhere anymore.

I beg you,

Come back.

Sometimes, the pack comes padding in with the fog. They wake from their slumber, singing their anguish to the Moon. The gloom clouds her light. More often than not, she offers a listening ear. On unlucky nights, she draws a storm, rising to a crescendo and leaving only white noise to whoever remains in the crowd. These aren’t words that can be rewrote. Actions cannot be undone.

Sometimes, I wonder if things would have turned out differently if I had tethered you to me. But I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t care about anyone. Apathy filled me to the brim as full as it left me empty.

I woke up choking back tears. I fucking miss you.