What Do Onions Have to Do with Communication Theory?

“Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers!”

Photo by Thomas Martinsen on Unsplash

As a 28-year-old, when I think of onions, my mind almost immediately goes to the 2001 film Shrek, which sounds like something I made up for the sake of this article, but it’s the honest truth. My brain is just a bunch of references, and sometimes, they are very, very random.

However, as a 28-year-old Communication Studies major, when I think of onions, I also think of Social Penetration Theory. This theory “was developed to explain how information exchange functions in the development and dissolution of interpersonal relationships” (Carpenter & Greene, 2016). In more general terms, it’s like Shrek said. As we form relationships, we are essentially peeling back the layers of an onion. When you meet someone new for the very first time, you don’t just dive into your deepest fears and your controversial takes. You take things slowly and feel each other out. That’s essentially what Social Penetration Theory is.

Two things that are vital to Social Penetration Theory are breadth and depth. Breadth is “the number of topics discussed” and depth is “the degree of intimacy that guides these interactions” (Carpenter & Greene, 2016).

Breadth is pretty self-explanatory. It’s the things that you discuss as you form a relationship. It’s when you share your favorite bands and TV shows, where you went to college, what you do for a living. Depth is when you start diving deeper into what you are choosing to reveal. You begin opening up about your past, and you talk about your goals in life. You just become more open.

According to Arthur VanLear, most early conversations in relationships “revealed nothing about the speaker” or “dwelled on public items” (Griffin, Ledbetter, & Sparks, 2023). At this point, you are kind of getting a feel for each other, so you don’t want to reveal anything too deep or emotional. You are also very likely to just talk about things around you. For example, if you are at school, you might discuss an upcoming football game.

The law of reciprocity says that one person being open leads to the other person being open. If one person is willing to reveal information about themselves, the other person is likely to be the same way. If the first person continues to give more revealing information, then the second person is likely to follow suit.

While penetration happens quickly to start, it eventually slows down or stops altogether. You only get a level of intimacy with a small number of people. You don’t call every person you know your friend, do you? That’s because we have many acquaintances and colleagues, people we know a little bit about but didn’t ever learn more about. We only have a certain amount of friends, people we are intimate (not in the way you are thinking) with and we are willing to share our deepest, darkest secrets with.

I think a great example of Social Penetration Theory in action is the relationship between me and my fiancé, who I have been dating for 3 1/2 years.

We met when I was 24. I had never met him or heard of him before our first meeting. I am an Arkansas girl, and he moved here from Colorado. We both worked at the same chain restaurant, and he transferred to the one I worked at. We went from strangers to co-workers.

I had a co-worker who was convinced that the love of my life was going to be any guy in their 20s who walked through the doors of this restaurant. And this one time, she was right. She convinced us to exchange numbers.

We soon went from talking at work about work-related things to talking about lots of other stuff. I very clearly remember sending him a text that was something along the lines of “I like wrestling, drag queens, and I am a 24-year-old emo kid.” I am always afraid that people will make fun of the things that I like, so after I sent the message, I braced myself to see if he did.

(This is actually more related to Social Exchange Theory, which is a “concept based on the notion that a relationship between two people is created through a process of cost-benefit analysis” (Tulane University, 2018). It’s very similar to what you’d learn in an economics class. I revealed this information, and if he responded favorably — which he did — then the relationship would continue and evolve. If he responded unfavorably, then I would have ended the conversation, and possibly the relationship.)

And he didn’t. We actually just started talking about the things that I like, and the longer we talked, I began to realize that I was one of the things that he liked (and vice versa, of course). We eventually went on our first date, and I remember that we started talking about politics (which I don’t normally recommend doing on a first date, but I could tell we had similar views, so I went ahead and shared).

The breadth and depth of our conversations was expanding, and I soon realized that we could talk about almost anything without fear of what the other person might think or fear of boredom. We had finally reached a level of intimacy where we began dating, and the rest, I guess you could say, is history.

Obviously, not all relationships are going to be like this. I clearly don’t have this level of intimacy with my other co-workers, and it’s not something I even want. Some of them I am closer to than others, but it really all depends on the conversations we have. I’m going to be a bit closer to the ones who talk to me about things other than work, but even then, you have to understand that not everybody will be your friend.

Photo by Evangeline Shaw on Unsplash

Overall, Social Penetration Theory makes a lot of sense when you think about it. It’s very logical and, in my opinion, predictable. Of course, the more you talk to and reveal yourself to someone, the more likely you are to have an intimate relationship. If you stop talking, then the relationship ends. My advice is to choose your relationships wisely. Think about having to go through a whole theory every time you meet someone new. Decide if it’s worth your time to do that, or if your time would be better served doing something else.

To end: go back and rewatch Shrek. It’s just as good now as it was when you were a kid.

References:

Carpenter, A., & Greene, K. (2016). Social penetration theory. https://sites.comminfo.rutgers.edu/kgreene/wp-content/uploads/sites/28/2018/02/ACGreene-SPT.pdf

Griffin, E. A., Ledbetter, A., Sparks, G. G., Cooper, K. R., & Hill, T. E. (2023). A first look at communication theory. McGraw Hill.

What is social exchange theory?. Tulane School of Social Work. (2022, September 15). https://socialwork.tulane.edu/blog/social-exchange-theory/