i hate the fact that i’m here once again

I’ve been in a tough spot in the last few uh. Months, probably. Years even, who knows.

there’s so many things I wanna do, and it’s been really tough to find a way to do them.

Being a self-employed, highly empathetic artist in a post-truth late-stage capitalistic society is simply a terrible idea. I’ve tried to change my own mind several times before — i’m sure a few of you remember one or two instances however many years ago. Sadly, there are things about me I learned I just cannot change, and it wasn’t for a lack of trying.

in my recent history, another factor was added to this. I learned I have hypermobility, and then I learned that hypermobility is listed as a disability per brazilian law.

i actually do have a post in my drafts, it’s named “being disabled changes everything”, but sadly it ended up stuck in the limbo like the other drafts along with it because apparently I have a huge problem when it comes to editing down my free-flow thoughts into something concise.

but yeah, discovering to be a DISABLED, neurodiverse, queer, self-employed, highly empathetic artist in a post-truth, late stage, patriarchal, crumbling capitalistic society is constantly difficult, and it seems like an endless amount of work, and it literally feels like the system is so rigged that it’s IMPOSSIBLE that I get some comfort.

with every new information I find about myself and the way my brain and my body works, i try new stuff — new tactics, new strategies, new life hacks and what have you. I make changes to my routine, I set reminders to myself, I look up studies and resources and I honestly work so hard. and after every new cycle of renewed strategies, I realize once again that nothing is a miracle cure, it’s all very slow, even when there’s progress, it’s a constant tempering of my expectations and a constant reevaluation of my own shortcomings.

I’ve been trying to find a balance between my work life, my social life, my hobbies and my own peace, for so long now, and I still haven’t found what I’d call an equilibrium. When I focus on work intensely enough that I feel like I’m earning enough to keep myself and my family safe and fed and comfortable, I find myself exhausted, sore and isolated by the end of the week or the month. when I then allow myself to breathe a little and dedicate to my passion projects and nurturing my relationships, my finances suffer deeply and in the blink of an eye I’m back in debt.

i’ve been putting systems in place to make things easier for me, I’ve been trying to find bottlenecks and sore points and tackle things from a new perspective, I’ve been simplifying ideas and downscaling projects, I’ve even forced myself to step out of my comfort zone and say “no” more often, as well as speaking up and asking for help as clearly as I can, and being completely and brutally honest about how tough things have been for me.

and yet, even with all those steps being consciously taken, everytime I still hit a wall, or the end of a frustrating week, the hope of a better time is snuffed out once again as I go back to the drawing board because I’m still not “there” yet, and to be honest I’m still questioning if “there” exists at all.

I have projects I’d like to create, I have stories i’d like to tell. i just cannot for the life of me find a way to make that happen without causing burnout and injury. I feel like I’ve been absent for so long I’m not even sure my public, my community, really knows what am I about anymore. my attempts to reach out seem to fall on deaf ears if I dont do it one on one (interpersonal connections continue to be my one source of joy, hope and self-realization), but other than that I literally don’t know what the algorythm wants or what the public at large really wants.

I just feel like my life is constantly asking me to sacrifice something, and I guess I’m trying my best to find what is the thing that I could sacrifice without losing a part of my soul, that is not my health, my relationships, or my creative fire, but I can’t seem to find what is something else that I could sacrifice and I can’t seem to find a sustainable way to function in which I simply find balance and stop with the sacrificing at all.

The other day my wife intervened because she saw that I was pushing myself past my limit out of self-spite, and she asked me to stop. My response was to say, “I just don’t know if I’ll reach the results I want if I don’t hurt myself in the process”.

Sometimes I really do wonder if it’s not worth it to hurt yourself in order to get something you really want, for a dream or for your family’s sake. And I hate it that this is the question I keep coming back to, because that goes against everything I believe. My body is the only way I have to interact with this wild, chaotic, sometimes beautiful and always intense world that we inhabit; it shouldn’t be a matter of asking myself “hmm what if I damage it a little so that I have enough money to feed my wife by the end of the month?”, but here I am once again, feeling like a cornered rat in an endless maze, finding yet another dead end even though this time it really felt like I was going somewhere.

And yet, we persist.

🌷

If you’d like to contribute to a self-employed artist’s fleeting peace of mind, consider taking a look at my Patreon page. The support of Patrons is the only stable source of funds in my family’s life right now, every bit of help adds up and makes a difference. Thank you. ❤