What I Found Underneath the Shoulds

Letting go of who I should become to discover who I already am

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Recently, I’ve been shifting my thoughts and actions toward wants rather than shoulds. For most of my life, I was run by shoulds.

I should be a good son. I should get good grades. I should go to an Ivy League university. I should become a doctor. I should be obedient. I should listen to all the shoulds.

The problem is that while shoulds can create movement in the short term, they are terrible long-term managers of change. They are built on pressure and expectation, and pressure is not a consistent source of fuel. Sometimes it motivates me. Sometimes it shrinks me. But over time, listening to shoulds becomes exhausting because shoulds are inherently threatening.

Think about it. If someone told you, “You should do better,” your initial response would probably be defensiveness. It isn’t something most people would enjoy hearing. Yet, for most of my life, my nervous system fed those same words to me over and over again.

Recently, I started an experiment. I began letting go of the shoulds and doing more of what I genuinely wanted to do. Here are a few things I’ve noticed about myself.

I still do many of the things I once thought I should do — but I do them even better.

I used to approach boxing like a checklist.

I should go train. I should run at least ten miles this week. I should run sub-eight-minute miles. I should lift weights today. I should hit the heavy bag today. I should do sprints today.

But recently, I’ve started doing more of what I actually want to do. I stepped away from competing in boxing for now because I didn’t like the way I treated myself whenever I had a match coming up.

Yet even without the shoulds, I still found myself showing up to train at 6 a.m. every day, listening to my favorite songs. I found myself running on trails every weekend, feeling the breeze against my face. I found myself grooving while sparring and boxing better than I had in a long time.

All because I wanted to.

I’ve also found more peace, especially in stillness.

Stillness used to be incredibly activating for me. It would set off alarms in my head and send me running toward the shoulds. Yet recently, even when those voices appear, I have been allowing myself to choose what I want instead.

I found myself cruising along the back roads of Maryland, noticing the environment changing around me. I found myself walking trails with Winston by my side, then following a side trail that led us to a cave. Wow. I found myself growing a giant garden of LEGO Botanicals in my home. I found myself feeling everything fully without needing to do anything about it.

I found peace.

My connections have become more genuine, too.

When I am ruled by shoulds, I become a manager of how I am seen. But the moment I start managing how I am seen is the moment I begin losing connection. I am no longer sharing an experience with someone else. I am trying to shape myself around how I want them to experience me.

I should wear this. I should say this. I should seem like I have everything together.

Now, I’ve started giving myself permission to simply be with people. That means wearing what I want, saying what I want, and being who I am.

The should voices still come back. They probably always will. But I continue reminding myself that real connection does not require me to manage how I am seen.

Because of this, I find myself spending less time on my phone when I am with others. I can enjoy their presence for what it is. Connection feels less like something I have to earn and more like something I can simply be present for.

People will still come and go. Connection can still hurt. But I no longer believe I have to perform, prove, or earn my way into it. What I genuinely want — and who I genuinely am — is enough.

I know this approach may not work for everyone. But giving myself permission to let go of shoulds and listen more closely to my wants has done wonders in my life.

Slowly but surely, as I release the shoulds, I discover more of who I am beneath them. And what I keep finding is beautifully surprising.

I am privileged to have enough safety to experiment with desire, and desire has proven more trustworthy than I expected.

Wanting is enough for me. I am grateful to be in a position where I can want instead of simply need.