Doing It Scared Every Day

“Do it scared.” That’s what people always say. But what if you’re always scared? What if you never reach that point where things feel comfortable?

It’s been three weeks since I came back to my family’s place. For many, that might sound like a good thing. But for me, it’s been uneasy—every single day. I overthink every move, feeling like everyone’s judging what I do. I keep going out even when I have nothing to do, just to escape. And honestly, I hate it. I spend money I don’t really have just to get away. I don’t even have a proper job right now.

What I really want is my own place—just to be alone. I don’t want people watching me. I’m doing everything scared… too scared.

Dating myself each day made me realize something: no one really knows me. Not my favorite food, my favorite color, my favorite show, or even the places I like. No one. Maybe that’s on me. Maybe my walls are too high for anyone to climb. Or maybe no one ever cared enough to try. Each day, those walls feel taller, to the point where I can’t see anyone — or even myself — on the other side.

I used to tell myself, “If I lose everything, the last thing I should lose is myself.” But here I am, losing my own thoughts, feelings, and emotions. I’m becoming this dark space no one can see — not even me. It’s like I exist, but no one really knows I do.

So why keep living? Honestly, I don’t know. People say just showing up is enough. To keep going, to never give up. But how do you continue when you’ve already given up inside?

Someone once asked me about my dreams and goals at 27. My answer? Just survive the day. Get out of bed. Make it through the hours, even if nothing feels good. Enjoy a good cup of coffee. That’s it. Little things. Right now, little things are my goals.

Every day, I still feel uneasy and uncomfortable. But I’m surviving.

And maybe… someday, I’ll smile truly again. I’ll hear myself laugh. I’ll feel comfortable in my own skin. I’ll see myself healed.

I hope my heart and mind find that light again.

-andrea 8/21/2025-