Torn. Here. Then. Now.

Sobriety.

The word brings shivers down the spine of some

A sunken, heavy feeling in the chest to others

Yet to some, a bright light and the promise of a happier future

Ive batteled with it for the past few years but its been an issue much longer

First it was alcohol. The REAL gateway drug.

Put me in the hospital more times and I can count.

Gave me just as many wild nights as it did dramatic ones

So happy that Ive put that beast to bed. For Good.

I realized when I was 31, looking back on my relationship with alcohol

That at a certain point, my drinking turned from happy, to sad

Bright and cheery to dark and heavy

I was trying to hide something. I was running while standing still

It was when I was 25. That was the year.

After some thought it came to me…

It was the first time I was drugged and raped

By my ex boyfriend of 5 years’, ex boyfriend

He had done it to get back at our ex is the best I could figure

I was still madly in love with said ex

This guy apparently wasnt

But it backfired for him. I told no one.

For 6+ years I held it in and compartmentalized it.

It ate at my soul and so I drank to deal with the pain

Once I realized what it was and got a better view on the entire thing

I told everyone.

I dont really drink anymore now.

Maybe every now and then if Im out with friends at dinner.

Just 1. Thats it.

Meth on the other hand. This bitch just doesnt want to let go.

He’s a smooth talker, a quiet stalker and a street walker

Just when you think youre out of his grasp

Look over your shoulder and see hes not far behind

Feel the breath of his promises on your neck

What you dont hear are that all those promises will be broken

He will take everything from you and leave you blind

You wont even know youve been robbed until its all gone

Sure you can play the blame game and try to pin it on people

When we all know, you know, that its all really his fault, your fault

The situations you put yourself in

The people you allowed into your life

The times when you went left and should have went right

The handsome face you trusted that broke your heart

The paranoia that sets in every time it gets dark

PTSD from the streets and “The Life”

When will enough be enough?

When will I choose to end it all

Not my life but this struggle. This one sided fight.

Today.

Today it has to be. Tomorrow never seems to come.

Too stubborn to never quit

Too proud to ever run

Do I want to quit? Now thats a loaded question.

Do I want to change my life? Fuck yes.

Will I miss the magic carpet ride that comes with it? Also yes.

Do I want to try to reverse some of the aging Ive done in the last couple years of using? OMG please yes.

I miss having my family not being worried about me. Well, whats left of my family. Not that we talk much anyway. Still, the option would be nice.

Having friends that I didnt have to worry about stealing from me or what they’d say when Im not in the room.

People that are ride-or-die like I am. Because thats just how it is.

My circle small. Trusted with my life.

Today is day 1.

6/6/26

God Bless…