Show Me the Problem

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuLaoUibpEc

Hello Professor,

I originally intended to seek your advice on how to avoid negative visualization. After coming out of a six-year phase of psychotic depression, I find myself vividly imagining negative outcomes and situations, living in fear of not amounting to anything.

However, something deeper is going on within me: I don’t believe in myself at all. I often quit things before completing them; indecisiveness has become a strong habit, so positive thoughts rarely manifest into action. Throughout most of my life, I have struggled with self-belief, largely because my dad never believed in me, and still doesn’t. I think my lack of self-confidence stems from never receiving acceptance from him at an early age.

I now find myself in a desperate place filled with frustration. It feels like needles are constantly pricking my brain, urging me to make a change and stick to it. Yet, I am living a default life, with depression as the designer. I don’t even adhere to 10% of my routine; my life feels erratic, and my personality is fickle. The idiom that best describes me is: “better let sleeping dogs lie.”

Moving away from this stressful home or even this country (Pakistan) is not an option. I have confronted my dad, hoping it would bring me peace, but he is a nice guy who doesn’t say much due to his own financial stress. Most of the time, he becomes defensive and cries in secret. I can’t afford to see a psychologist right now, but someone recommended Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) might help. I should engage in physical activity, but since we can’t afford a gym membership, I don’t. There is a nice park nearby where I could walk or jog, but the idea of going alone discourages me.

My mind repeatedly brings up negative thoughts related to my broken home, making me miserable and self-destructive. These miserable thoughts stem from a single root cause: my dad never believed in me, so how can I believe in myself to turn my situation around? My track record — financially, mentally, socially, physically, and emotionally — speaks for itself; it’s dismal.

I find myself looking to blame someone for my current state, and my dad becomes my enemy, leading to fights and belittlement between us. I don’t believe I have what it takes to control my life. Everything feels like a pointless weight on my shoulders. Every step forward seems to pull me back even further.

I want to speak the truth, but I can’t because I lack self-belief. I maintain a “nice guy” image while suffering more than necessary. My misery begins the moment I wake up; the decisions I made yesterday are the same today and will be the same tomorrow, resulting in no change. This hellish life has become my comfort zone.

I am severely addicted to cigarettes as my escape because there is no peace in my life. I have managed to hold down a low-key job for two months now, but I couldn’t complete my university education. The future looks bleak.

The crux of this writing is to find an answer to how I can believe in myself and ensure lasting change through action, though I often shirk away from real responsibility like a 15-year-old snob. I wish I had mental toughness and a better education to make sense of things clearly. I am uncomfortable in my own skin and wish my parents had more money.

I feel misunderstood by everyone, as if the whole world revolves around me. My thoughts have become my prison, and it’s only getting heavier. My parents, who love me very much, keep telling me to change my lifestyle, but I don’t feel the internal urge to do so.

What’s your advice on how to tackle these problems? How should I orient myself? How do I discern what is right and ensure I take action? How can I stop seeing myself as a defenseless sheep and transform into a wolf or a majestic lion like Simba? How do I shift from “I can’t” to “I can”? Despite all this, how do I grow up?

If there are certain books I should read to help me thrive psychologically, please let me know. I look forward to your response, Professor.