STATISTICIAN’S DREAMWORLD

The NHL Statistical Award Show

Thank goodness award shows were already phased out

Hockey fans in awe. Photo by Emiliano Bar on Unsplash

There aren’t many team-based awards in the NHL. It is a shame that a team’s regular-season endurance often goes unrecognized. The Nashville Predators made sure to cherish each and every banner that they received in 2018, for future generations to remember their short-lived Cup window.

To allow for other fruitless franchises to celebrate in similar fashion, let’s hold a parade on a luminous Mario Kart rainbow racetrack, with each award presented as a giant float. Here are ideas for various other awards:

Hostile hosts award — best home record

Hostile to host award — best away record

Never say die award — most third period comebacks

Heads-up award — most games scoring the first goal

Better in numbers award — best power play

Sin bin guru award — most rush chances while shorthanded

Timing is everything award — most breakaways from a player coming out of the penalty box

Choir award — most guest anthem singers during the season

Gun range award — most total shots on net

Ceasefire award — fewest total shots allowed

Garbage time award — most total goals scored in losses after the opponent’s eventual game-winner

Cut to the chase award — most goals in the opening minute of the first

Nothing but net award — most empty goals

Skaters guild award — most 6-on-5 goals

Keep-away award — most total ice time in the season where the opponent has a delayed penalty

Refs best friend award — fewest total icing calls in the season

Goal horn award — most home goals scored

Silencer award — most away goals scored

Environmental activist award — fewest total sticks broken

Iron supplements award — most times hitting a post or crossbar

Martyr award — most percentage of team’s goals coming from only the top line

Taking care of business award — most empty net goals within ten seconds of the opponent pulling the goalie

Pinball award — most goals scored by banking the shot off the opposing player

Spin doctor award — most wraparound goals

Slow and steady award — least total offside calls

Armchair refs award — most coaches challenges won for offside

No cap award — most total hat tricks

Mix and match award — most goals scored due to an opponent’s bad line change

On the frontline award — most total blocked shots

Torpedo launcher award — most total goals by the blue line

Neck and neck award — most total time played with a tied score

Work to live award — fewest games that went into overtime

Live to work award — most games that went into overtime

Skee-ball award — most goals scored through a goalie’s five-hole

Ovechkin’s office award — most total one-timers