Love, Lies, and the Struggle to Find Myself Again

Photo by Pranav Kumar Jain on Unsplash

Loving is not meant to be torture but is starting to be. I tried not to think. I tried of not feeling. I tried again to stay calm. But each day , every moment it seems to reach its limit and the point of breaking down. I don’t know who I am anymore. I just wanted to be me and have a real thing. I don’t know why I am always the heartbroken one in it. I give my best and the best is not given to me .

To be honest I tried. Am being very honest. Like the time I said my finally good bye to a family member who I held grudges for a long time .

I forgive to feel again. The way it feels..when you know everything has started falling apart.

That feeling is able to drive the storm away.

but is trying to get to me . I was on my own. I was being me and real.. at least this time. It brought me out , to later abandon me in the middle.

In the middle of it all…

I can’t feel it again….the tension.

like the old days .

I was me , but now I don’t know what to feel anymore.

Seems like my words are not betraying me tonight.

It flows like a river… Because it is literally the only thing I can hold on to.. Should I keep hoping , waiting and falling . Because I am feeling pain I never should have felt it.

they say it is normal to feel this way .. that’s when it is the real thing.

but…

why this early? Really good and bad days exist..but does it have to be this early.

why now… I ask myself what I did wrong and where I got it all wrong. But the answer doesn’t exist because am as innocent as a new born baby. Am calm listening to the bitter melody of pain. Hoping again , believing again ... I tell myself

I chose it. Now I know what they say about it but it doesn’t have to be this way. The Silent struggle of a girl like me.

It was meant to be natural, beautiful and happy. It was meant to be just us against the trouble and trials of the world. It was meant to be mutual and understandable . It was meant to be LOVE. The real one . The one that is soft and calm. That is listening when no one is listening. The one that chooses to be there no matter the pain. Like the one I choose. The joy of the Lord is still keeping me . Is saying wait , vera wait.

I have a gift for you. I believe the time of the Lord is the best. But at this moment I will get through it. I know I will.