Israel’s Globetrotting Assassins Force Iranian Negotiators Into Zoom Bunker Signing

Trump Holds Solo Versailles Selfie Ceremony

Citing reports of mounting frequent flyer miles, Israeli officials confirmed Tuesday that their elite assassination squads have been circling the planet like vultures, forcing Iran to sign the latest U.S.-brokered peace deal from a reinforced bunker in Tehran via Zoom call.

Man on the Run — Masoud Pezeshkian

The remote ceremony, which replaced the high-security Bürgenstock Resort gathering in Switzerland, featured Iranian President Masoud Pezeshkian appearing on a grainy webcam “We love Switzerland,” a visibly exhausted Iranian official said, looking like a man who has spent months running from an Israeli assassination squad, “but not enough to get turned into exploding pager operation 2.0 while cutting the ribbon.”

President Trump, never one to miss a photo op, signed the American version of the agreement independently in the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles Palace. Flanked by the French leadership, who had no connection to the Iran Deal but are well known for surrendering, Trump described the moment as “tremendous, historic, the most beautiful signatures you’ve ever seen — very classy, very Versailles.”

Trump caught in a rare moment of silence

“Joe Biden would’ve signed it in a basement like a loser,” Trump posted on Truth Social alongside 47 selfies. “I signed it where kings used to party. Iran is going to behave now. Beautiful deal. Bibi, call me.”

Netanyahu, meanwhile, was reportedly apoplectic. “Zoom? A bunker? These people are cheating at ceasefire!” the Israeli prime minister thundered during an emergency cabinet meeting, while aides frantically recalculated embassy travel budgets. “We had teams in Geneva, Lucerne, Islamabad, and a standby unit in Qatar just in case. Do you know what business class costs during peak assassination season?”

Israeli sources speaking on condition of anonymity admitted that embassy operations budgets have been overextended by the constant redeployment of hit teams. “We’ve exceeded our annual black ops travel quota by June,” one Mossad-adjacent accountant sighed. “The boys are exhausted. One squad got rerouted through Dubai three times. Their exploding phone prototypes are now just regular iPhones because the couriers kept mixing up the bags.”

Netanyahu is said to be demanding a renegotiation clause that includes “in-person signing with adequate targeting windows.”

At press time, Trump was posting another mirror selfie from Versailles, captioned “Dealing with Iran the right way — from the Versailles Palace, very presidential,” and asked Emmanuel Macron to consider turning the palace into a Trump-branded golf resort that France would pay for the privilege of hosting.

This article, while mostly true, is entirely satire. All events, characters, globe-trotting assassination squads, and Zoom bunker diplomacy are fictional exaggerations for humorous effect. Israel would never do anything like that. Dude, trust me.