Humor

It’s Not Funny Being Without the Internet but Now I Can Laugh About It

There’s nothing like a pun to cheer up everyone

Image by Christel SAGNIEZ from Pixabay

I’ve learned to accept what I can’t control — begrudgingly.

But being without the internet was driving me insane.

We peri-urban yokels sat without a broadband signal for ten days. My laptop, phone and router snubbed a speed of 0.838 Mbps with the disdain it deserved and refused to engage.

The road construction gang widening the main tarred road had cut the cables, which fed the only broadband tower in the area.

I consoled myself by mucking about in the kitchen when I couldn’t access my emails or write and read on Medium.

The moment I was back on-line, I searched for stuff to make me laugh. Sorry folks, but that took precedence over re-connecting with writers and readers.

If you’re feeling cranky, these twenty punny food jokes should wind you up.

(Did you know there are at least nine different types of puns? I refuse to bore you, so won’t drill down into the details for fear you’ll rubbish my story!)

Here goes:

1. A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.
2. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
3. Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
4. Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
5. Becoming a vegetarian is a big missed steak.
6. I had a job tying sausages together, but I couldn’t make ends meet.
7. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn’t concentrate.
8. I’ve written a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.
9. Did you hear about the pessimist who hates German sausage? He always fears the Wurst.
10. Two cheese trucks ran into each other. Debris was everywhere.
11. I love giant squid jokes. They’re always kraken me up!
12. I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but my plans were foiled.
13. Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds!
14. I need to stop drinking so much milk. It’s an udder disgrace.
15. I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges.
16. Chinese takeaway — £27.50. Petrol to get there — £3.25. Getting home then realizing they didn’t give you one of the containers — riceless.
17. I put a new freezer next to the refrigerator, now they’re just chilling.
18. I was going to share a vegetable joke but it’s corny. (I lied.)
19. Did you hear how they caught the great produce bandit? He stopped to take a leek.
20. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

I have many more puns in reserve, but will hold them back until my next inevitable crisis.

Except, I couldn’t resist sharing this as hubby, who uses a wheelchair and walker, found it hilarious:

“To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… you can hide but you can’t run.”

Thank you for being here to the bitter end.

If you love such silliness, you may enjoy these 20 neologisms I published last month during my flu crisis:

[embed]I’ve Been Seriously in Need of Laughter and Found These Funny Words Fighting off the flu with humor is my last resortcarolinedebraganza.medium.com

Or take a stab at this one I wrote three years ago:

[embed]Living on the Cutting Edge of Biting Wit I was pinned down in a dilemmamuddyum.net