Stretch marks, hip dips, and other things I stopped apologizing for.

I’ve always loathed how I looked in photos. I’ve had body image issues since I was eleven; back then I didn’t even know why I always felt as if I was taking up too much space, I felt as if I was too big, comparing myself to my friends, girls in my class. I believed I didn’t look good enough, not in photos, not in clothes, not in the mirror. I was always nitpicking what “issues” I had — stretch marks, hip dips, varicose veins, no thigh gap, arms that jiggle, a belly pooch, acne marks, scars, the list could go on and on for days. Everyday I would find something new and fixate myself on it.

Even after I had a supposed “glow up”, that didn’t stop. If anything, the voices got louder. Classmates, friends, family, they kept pointing out things I should change about myself. I never felt like myself, even in my own body. I grew up wishing I could exchange bodies with my skinnier friends, just for a day, just to see what it would feel like to not be criticized about how I carry myself, how I dress, what I eat. I just needed to feel what it would feel like without the constant commentary and “advices”. That never happened, of course. Growing up, I was always the “bigger friend”, the one who was sitting alone on the bus because “there isn’t enough space for you”, the one who had to listen to her friends’ snarky comments and pretend to laugh just to feel included. I was always the fridge protecting the snacks and never the snack.

However, after I turned 18, I stopped doing it, something in me changed. I stopped criticizing myself for things that were perfectly natural. I realized I was never taking up “too much space”, I just wasn’t with the right people; I just wasn’t getting influenced right women. With the rising of body positivity this year, I changed one thing about myself — my mindset. I realized that as long as my body and mind is healthy, I didn’t need to change anything about myself, not my body, not my face, not anything. I learnt to slowly relearn and love my body after years of body image issues.

And today, when I look in the mirror or look at myself in photos I don’t see my insecurities, I don’t point out what I hate about myself. Instead, what I see is a strong, healthy, and beautiful body. I learnt to wear what I felt comfortable in, what I feel good in, not what hides my body. All of this, it didn’t happen in a day, I still catch myself zooming in on things I used to hate, but I don’t stay there like I used to.

I stopped apologizing for my body.