America 250 Now Open For Auction

Cash in large bills only please

Every year on July 4th, Americans gather to celebrate Independence Day (frequently referred to as “the day after July 3rd” everywhere else in the world). They will, of course, engage in all of the activities enshrined in and required by The Constitution — families and friends will gather together to drink beer, eat over-cooked hamburgers and warm potato salad, and drink more beer.

The celebration will typically culminate in the much anticipated night-time grand-finale of drinking more beer before attempting to shoot off a barrage of illegal fireworks without injury.

But this year’s celebration will be different. Because this Independence Day we celebrate 250 years of being a country.

The celebration got an early start when President Trump hosted his UFC match that desecrated the White House. This event was designed to remind Americans everywhere that we won our freedom so we could despise our president if we choose to.

Trump followed that up with his “Great American State Fair.” Unfortunately the reflecting pool debacle drew more crowds despite the the fact that several people were arrested and charged with sabotage because they looked into the water too long.

On July 4th, there will be a reading of the Declaration of Independence by a member of the White House staff. According to White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt, who recently returned from maternity leave and what she claims is the second immaculate conception, “We’re still looking for someone who can read.”

The honored guest at the reading will be Mitch McConnell who actually witnessed the signing of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.

Yet while we celebrate, most Americans with a functioning prefrontal cortex will be wondering: Will America survive to celebrate another Independence Day and, if it does, how much will it cost us?

If you’re like me (if this is actually true, my condolences), you receive approximately 2,000 emails and texts every hour asking for a contribution to a candidate running for office. I’m pretty sure I get regular requests from every Democrat running for every office in the United States.

This stresses me out. Mainly because I feel if I don’t send these people money to help them get elected we’ll be forced to watch the continued destruction of our country by Trump and the oligarchs who pull all the strings.

To make matters worse, just the other day the Supreme Court struck down limits on coordinated spending between candidates and political parties.

According to Politico, “The decision will have an almost immediate impact on the midterms. Removing the limit on coordinated spending effectively gives candidates direct control over a far greater amount of money being spent on their races. It is also likely to increase the flood of political advertising that hits the airwaves each fall.”

More money will be spent!? You’re fucking kidding me, right? The amount spent is already ludicrous thanks to the Supreme Court who, back in the 1970s, decided money was speech (I guess that’s what they mean by, “money talks”) and legalized government corruption.

And more ads!? Lord save me. I know I’m going to lose my shit and destroy another TV when I throw my remote at it during an yet another ad featuring more lies and bullshit.

But I guess it’s never too much according to the Supreme Court, now more accurately known as, The Supreme Leader’s Court.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh wrote the majority opinion, calling the limits “a severe infringement on First Amendment-protected political speech.”

In other words, he said that because money is free speech, if you limit the amount of money corporations and billionaires can contribute, you are denying them their First Amendment rights.

Kavanaugh later admitted he may have gone a bit overboard in his opinion.

“Pete Hegseth and I had just returned from an all expense paid trip to a private Caribbean Island for a pre-Independence Day celebration bash. We spent two days trying to outdo each other shooting red, white, and blue Jello shots and doing keg stands. I may have still been a bit tipsy when I wrote the opinion.”

The bottom line is that the Court gave the corporate class, the oligarchs, more rights than the average American citizen because they have more money.

They can spend as much as they want to spread disinformation and lies. This court has given them the green light to deceive American citizens in order to obtain whatever outcome they desire.

So enjoy your beer and warm potato salad on this Independence Day. It may be our last.