#4 The Moment of Severance

What It Means to Be Taken

This series does not exist to make you comfortable. It exists to tell the truth that has been buried beneath the dominant narrative of adoption. And to tell that truth, we cannot begin at the surface. We must begin at the end — the final realization of what adoption truly is — and move backward, tracing the fractures to their origin.

We have moved from awakening to resistance, from grief to rage, from silence to speech. But now we must go deeper — to the moment before memory, before understanding. To the first wound that defines the adoptee experience.

The moment of severance.

Because adoption does not begin with love. It begins with loss.

And that loss is not soft. It is not gentle. It is a rupture — one that cannot be undone, only lived with.

The Language of Erasure

How the System Hides the First Wound

Adoption has always relied on carefully chosen language to conceal the reality of what happens in the first moments of an adoptee’s life.

• “Placement.”
• “Relinquishment.”
• “A better life.”

These words are designed to soften the violence of severance — to make it sound as though it was always meant to be this way. As though adoption is a beginning, rather than an end.

But what does it really mean to be adopted?

It means that, before anything else, a mother and child are separated.

And yet, this is the one truth adoption refuses to say out loud.

Because to acknowledge the trauma of severance would be to acknowledge that adoption is built on loss. And that is a truth the world does not want to face.

The First Experience of the Adoptee:

The Vanishing of the Mother

A newborn does not understand the concept of adoption. They only know presence and absence.

• One moment, the mother’s heartbeat is there. The next, it is gone.
• One moment, the voice is familiar. The next, it is a stranger’s.
• One moment, the body knows safety. The next, it is floating in a world that no longer makes sense.

The moment of severance is not just emotional — it is physiological. The nervous system registers it as danger. The body enters survival mode, searching for something it will never find again.

And what does the world do in response?

It does not comfort. It does not acknowledge. It erases.

And the first lesson the adoptee learns is that their grief is invisible.

The Adoptee’s First Question

Where Did She Go?

Every adoptee — whether consciously or unconsciously — asks the same question:

• Where did she go?
• Why did she leave?
• Why wasn’t I enough to keep?

But the world does not allow them to ask. Instead, they are given answers that are meant to silence them:

• “She loved you so much she gave you away.”
• “She wanted a better life for you.”
• “You were meant to be here.”

The intention of these words is to soothe, but their effect is to deny.

Because they do not answer the question. They dismiss it.

And so, the adoptee carries it alone.

The Silence That Follows the Loss

The most insidious part of adoption is not just the loss itself — it is the enforced silence that follows.

• The baby cries. No one explains where she has gone.
• The toddler asks questions. The answers are vague.
• The child starts to feel the weight of their difference. They are told they are “special.”
• The teenager feels the first wave of grief. They are told to be grateful.

By the time an adoptee reaches adulthood, they have already learned: The truth is not for them.

And so, they push it down. They adapt. They survive.

But the body does not forget.

And one day, the questions that were buried rise to the surface.

The Truth Adoption Refuses to Face

The system will say that adoption is love. The world will say that adoption is beautiful. The narrative will say that adoptees are lucky.

But none of these things erase the first truth of every adoption:

• That it began with loss.
• That the mother vanished.
• That something was taken.

Not surrendered. Taken.

And whether it happened through coercion, poverty, social pressure, or legal maneuvering, the impact remains the same. The adoptee was severed from the only life they were meant to have.

That is the moment of adoption. That is the moment that defines everything that comes next.

The Moment That Cannot Be Undone

There is no going back to before the severance. There is no way to rewrite the loss. There is no return to the life that was stolen.

And so, the adoptee is left with one choice:

• To live inside the silence.
• Or to break it.

Because if the world refuses to speak the truth, adoptees must be the ones to say it out loud.

Adoption does not begin with love. Adoption does not begin with a better life.

Adoption begins with severance.

And the world needs to finally face what that means.

Hello, my name is Shane Bouel,

I’m a retired, qualified designer, lecturer & e-learning specialist seeking true connection.

I am an adoptee of forced adoption, living in Bali — a place that, like me, holds the weight of displacement and the echoes of histories rewritten. My journey is one of systematic erasure, existential severance, and, ultimately, reclamation.

Adoption is often seen as an act of love, a new beginning, a gift. But beneath that narrative lies a deeper, often unspoken truth — one of loss, identity fracture, and the struggle to exist in a world that does not recognise what has been taken.

I have spent years unravelling my own story, uncovering what was erased, and reclaiming the self that was meant to disappear. It has been a journey through grief, awakening, and profound transformation. And now, I invite you to walk that path with me.

From here, we embark on a journey together.

Let the unravelling begin.

Support My Work and Buy Me a Coffee

[embed]Buy Me a Coffee Hello, my name is Shane Bouel, I’m a retired, qualified designer, lecturer & e-learning specialist seeking true…buymeacoffee.com