Forgetful Me

Yes I do, I forget things, many things.

I forget my keys when I go outside and come back again rushing to get the keys.

I forget my things, I move them from one bag to another bag, all the little things scattered around my tiny purse.

I forget to get one or two things from grocery so I just end up buying dish soap on the minimarket near my house.

and I easily forget things that hardly to forget for most people, like others bad comments about me or bad jokes threw on me, I forget as I laugh along with it.

I easily forget those hurtful things people say to me, it’s so annoying to them that I come back the next day so cheerful like nothing happen.

I easily forget bad times and bad people,

for people who knew me, they knew I never hold grudges, I simply just forget it anyway, those things are light-weighted for me.

but I never forget good days, good times or pearls of my time

because I have a special box for them just in case for rainy days.

I never forget the smell of cigarette in my brother’s bedroom back when he studied Architecture, we have 14 years age gap, he was an adult when I was only 6. he was the one drove my mom when she was about to have labor, me.

I never forget the time my other brother tease me for more tazos and all those corny jokes a 10 years old throw to his 5 years old little sister.

I never forget my sister take me to a night club to watch Mocca band for the first time when I was in junior high.

I never forget how I really enjoy myself being busy after school, changing my uniform in my elementary school’s toilet into a T-shirt and go to BBC English course by angkot, I must be smelled so bad but I was just a kid that so excited answering Ms Kartika pop quiz about pop cultures.

I never forget my violin teacher and various cars he drove, I would never forget his confidence he gave me when I was a shy preteen girl.

I never forget the details of a morning when I walk into my dormitory to meet my new friends, just a bunch of misfit girls who secretly so glad leaving their homes.

I never forget the time I sat alone in the dock of Darling Harbour, Sidney, enjoying every second of that afternoon, looking to the water and looking at the buildings at my back.

I never forget my night shift working for my Final Task aka Tugas Akhir from midnight until the dawn, how after subuh prayer I was sleeping so comfy in mukena until Farhan voice called, muuut, muut bangun muut non stop for 5 minutes straight as I need to pretend still asleep so he can finally stop. And how Ovi choked us by saying one time, “I can’t imagine after we graduate I have to sleep alone without you guys”

I never forget the way I took when I ride my bicycle from Teuku Angkasa to my campus, the breeze, the bumpy road, the smaller street I took, the orang gila with an arrow I avoid in jalan suci, the smell of Cihargeulis Market in the morning.

I never forget my all time favorite small room in the second floor of my second kost room, where there is a big window and a big tree, I literally heard bird chiriping happily every morning and waken up by Bacang seller screaming Baaaak caaang!

I never forget how I successfully handle a ticket from police in jalan Pahlawan intersection without paying any, so smooth and yet so innocent.

I never forget all the laughs and the jokes and the long walks. I never forget how I told Oski in Garden by the Bay on the night we watched the Tree Light Show, “we need go back here with our future family, strolling a baby stroller and a picnic with our kids and spouses, it’s a family place not for us single youngsters” while many kids running around in the background as I said it.

I remember airport mornings with my colleague to catch some flights, booking cheap hotels with good deals with my phone and catching a late night bus so she can meet her daughter a lot sooner than take the first flight in the next day.

But I barely remember mean things any friends ever told me, or my bosses (well, I definitely remember one that I wrote on my medium years ago from my first boss because I hate being accused) or any colleague ever say something hurtful to me.

My brain works in a mysterious way. I just don’t remember and never ever hold grudges, I don’t do the payback, I just don’t want to sweat something unimportant for me.

And for anger, strangely I started to have it in the past few years, I never have the fire fueled in my chest before I get to my 30s. I hate that, I wrote that I hate it too.

But grudges, resentment or blacklist, I never even bother to make a list.

Is it just make me plainly dumb? Is it normal sometimes I felt used? or am I too kind and dumb?

Never be so kind, you forget to be clever Never be so clever, you forget to be kind

and once or twice I tried to be mean or cunning, but I was so bad being that, the guilt trip and pain in my chest was not worth the effort.

Sometime I hope some things I remember are not so kind so I can easily forget them.

Because some are lingered like movie scene keep playing when I close my eyes.

if it was just bad things I wish I just let it slide and forget, but it wasn’t.

I remember colors, smell, gravels on the path, breezes of winds, and the sound of buzzing town, and it’s all so dangerous mixing with my unethical imagination that I should only use for professional term but it burn all over the place like wildfire.

I wish I am not very kind person.

I’m heartless but at the same time I’m kind. So weird.