I Had a Baby. My In-Laws Got One Too.

I thought they were getting a pet, but apparently they wanted a daughter.

Photo by Daria Obymaha: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-braiding-little-girl-s-hair-1684035/

We spent many years trying to have a child.

My husband and I were both at the right age and were pretty healthy, so I didn’t think it would take very long.

I got pregnant right away, and even though there was a heartbeat on our first ultrasound, we found out we had lost our baby at the 12-week ultrasound.

It would take another year after that to see a positive test again.

I lost the next one after about a week.

Then came the medical testing — back and forth to a clinic out of town, doing blood tests, ultrasounds, a sonohysterogram and a hysterosalpingogram.

None of these were pleasant, and everything always came back normal.

I started fertility medication and did cycle monitoring with the clinic. I gave myself a trigger shot in the stomach. I increased my fertility medication. I lost a lot of hair.

Doctors didn’t know why it wasn’t happening but recommended we put our name on the waitlist for IVF. We did.

It had been about two years now since we first started trying, and getting that negative test every month was just another kick in the shins. I was tired of getting disappointed and was sick of losing my hair.

I spoke with the IVF doctor and asked if I could stop taking the fertility medication. She told me I could.

The first cycle I had naturally, I got pregnant, and this time it stuck.

Because it had taken us so long to get a viable pregnancy, I wanted to do everything right. This included consuming high-quality, expensive vitamins, avoiding deli meats and honey, and taking all the tests to make sure my baby was healthy.

Luckily, we passed those tests with flying colours. Seeing “low risk” on the test results was letting out the breath I’d been holding for years. And because of the extra testing, we found out pretty early that we were having a girl.

I knew it was a girl somehow; I could tell from watching her on the ultrasound. I know you can’t actually tell that early, but I just had a feeling. My husband was really hoping for a girl, too. We were elated.

Even though I was still anxious, we decided we were finally ready to celebrate, and we threw a gender reveal party with our family.

This involved ordering an ice cream cake with pink icing inside so that when we cut the cake, it would show we were having a girl.

We invited my sister and brother, my sister-in-law and two nieces, my mom and her husband, my in-laws, my brother-in-law and his girlfriend, as well as my husband’s grandmother and aunt.

Almost everyone in attendance thought we were having a boy — in part because we already had two girls (my nieces), and in part because my husband came from a family of boys.

Imagine everyone’s shock when we cut the cake and the icing was pink!

My father-in-law said he couldn’t wait to have a little granddaughter hunting buddy, and my mother-in-law seemed a little confused that it wasn’t a boy, but the general atmosphere was excitement.

This baby would be their first grandchild, and my mother’s third.

A few weeks after our gender reveal party, my husband received a text from his mother.

It was a photo of a dog bed with dog toys. They do not have a dog.

The last time I heard my in-laws speak of a dog was to say that while they loved the dog they had when my husband was a kid, they’d never get another one.

They didn’t live a life conducive to having a dog.

They enjoyed travelling and have been renovating their current home for the past 5 years. You still can’t really walk through it. I’m not sure why it’s taken that long, and why it’s still a construction zone all these years later, but they’re still knee-deep in it. A dog would probably get lost in the rubble.

So my husband called his father and asked why his mother sent him a picture of a dog bed. “Are you getting a dog?” he inquired.

“No, of course not,” my father-in-law replied.

“Then why did Mom send me that picture?” asked my husband.

My father-in-law said that he wasn’t sure why, but that they certainly weren't getting a dog.

I explained that if they want a dog, they should wait until after the baby arrives.

In the event that we’d need to be in the hospital longer, or that delivery was especially difficult, my in-laws were our only available family in town.

I knew having a puppy would impede upon their ability to be present with our newborn.

My mother got a puppy a week before my niece was born, and for that entire first year, she was basically unavailable to help. Once her dog got a bit older, she’d come to dinner but leave early because she didn’t want her dog staying alone too long. It was always about the dog.

“Please wait six months at least,” I pleaded with my father-in-law. He stated again that there was no dog.

Unbeknownst to us, they’d already picked her out and paid a deposit.

A few days after this conversation, my husband received another image text from his mother. It was a graphic of a paw print and a heart, saying “new family member arriving in 2024.”

Our baby was due in 2025.

Their family dog had been a Chesapeake Bay Labrador Retriever mix, but this time they chose a Maltese.

They brought her home a few months before my daughter arrived.

My in-laws explained they were being elusive about getting a dog because they wanted to surprise us. We were confused as to why they’d do that. We were also upset about the baby reveal they sent on the heels of our gender reveal.

Then my mother-in-law showed up at our house and confronted my husband in our driveway, yelling, “WHY DON’T YOU LIKE MY DOG?”

He explained that he didn’t really care about the dog, but that he was upset they lied about getting one. She told him to get over it.

The first time we met the dog, she barked incessantly and began to screech.

My in-laws didn’t bat much of an eye at this, but the sheer volume set off our Apple Watches, notifying us that listening to audio for too long at this loudness level can cause hearing damage.

They joked that their dog was headstrong and growled at them when they took away her food. They thought it was cute. I told them it was dangerous and they should nip that in the bud right away. I’m not sure they ever did.

We then heard that their dog was experiencing anxiety, so they gave her a soother as a toy to chew on. I had never heard of soothers for dogs, and asked why they would prime their dog to chew soothers with our newborn on the way. They did not see an issue.

As predicted, each time we saw my in-laws, at least one of them would leave early because they didn’t want their dog alone for very long. Even though they had a camera set up in the house. Even though they were spending time with their family. Even though it was a dog.

They trained her on pee pads, but she would soil the floor to “punish” them when they’d leave her alone. So they took her to every store they went to and put her in a baby carrier around their chest. They also bought a stroller for her and would put her in it whenever we’d eat outside on a patio.

We suggested they enroll their dog in puppy classes to help with the barking, screeching, squealing, jumping, etc. They said no and didn’t speak to us for two weeks.

When we try to address her poor behaviour, my in-laws tell us to pet her because that’s what she wants — attention. So they reward her for barking and squealing, and it never stops.

When my daughter arrived, we hardly saw both my husband’s parents at the same time, because one of them had to stay with the dog.

When my daughter was a few weeks old, my mother-in-law asked if I’d like some baby clothes she bought for her dog that didn’t fit right. I said no.

As my daughter grew, so did our resentment towards the dog.

If I told my father-in-law that someone commented on how cute my daughter was during our afternoon walk, he’d excitedly tell me that someone told him how cute his dog was during their walk, too.

When my husband sent him a picture of our daughter playing with a ball at daycare, he replied with a picture of his dog playing with a ball.

When we invited them for breakfast at a local brunch place, they brought their dog and didn’t tell us beforehand. The dog sat in a stroller while my daughter sat in a booster seat. The dog squealed most of the meal and scared our server. She proceeded to bark and lunge at all the kids on the playground we went to after we ate. My daughter was well-behaved.

Every time we see my mother-in-law, she accidentally calls my daughter by the dog’s name because they picked a human name for their dog.

The strange thing is, they don’t seem to notice how fucking weird this all is. They genuinely compare our daughter to their dog at every chance they can, not to be malicious, but because they have nothing else going on. It would be pretty sad if I weren’t so annoyed.

“Why does it feel like they wanted their own baby when I got pregnant, so they got this dog and now treat it like a human child?” I asked my therapist.

“Because that’s exactly what happened,” she replied.

I know, logically, it’s not the dog’s fault.

Dogs deserve to be raised as dogs, with proper boundaries, established routines, and a pack leader that isn’t them.

She gets carried around all day and sleeps in their bed at night. They buy her baby clothes. They let her lunge at people and scratch up their legs because she jumps up constantly. They talk about how she’s just so cute.

This dog runs the house, gets treated like a child, and the anxiety of being humanized puts tremendous pressure on her.

Plus, I love animals, was raised with dogs, and have two wonderful cats at home (who act like puppies).

I also know, logically, I’m disappointed by my in-laws.

It feels as though they make every excuse not to be as present in my daughter’s life.

We get zero help with childcare because they arranged their lives in such a way that it's impossible to rely on them.

We asked my mother-in-law last week if she wanted to visit our daughter, as my father-in-law was out of town, and she said no; she was busy painting the house, plus she didn’t want to leave the dog alone.

We can’t drop off our daughter at the only family available nearby because their house is a construction zone and their dog is a menace.

I know that I can’t control other people, but I wish they’d want to spend more time with my wonderful child. My daughter deserves grandparents who marvel at her.

And emotionally, I’m offended. Because who the hell compares my child to their dog? And if they wanted a baby so badly, you’d think they would get their fill by actually spending time with their granddaughter?

In any case, it is what it is. I have to live with it.

And while my village looks a lot smaller than I thought it would, my daughter is celebrated here.

As she should be.