How To Give Your Penis A Bad Boy Persona After Your Ex Called It Cute

Before long, it’ll be labelled so dangerous that the ladies will need to consult their friends, therapists, and doctors first.

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Rough it up a bit

Make your penis look like it’s been used and abused by non-stop babes. Maybe even give it an STD. You want girls like Jenny Jenson, whom you’ve written binders full of poetry about, to think your penis is an outlaw. If she becomes alarmed, you can say something like, “What? You were expecting one of those cute weenies? Sorry, Jenny Jenson, you brought home a rebel cowboy, and if you can’t handle it because you have a weak stomach or you don’t want a sexually transmitted disease, then can you please drop me back off at my parents’ house?”

Gather second opinions

At the next boy’s night, ask your bros if it’s okay if you take out your penis so they can tell you how “cute” it is on a scale of one to ten, ten being unbearably adorable. That way, the next time a girl like Jenny Jenson, who’s been the protagonist of your diary for the past thirteen years and twenty six days, calls your penis “cute,” you can show her several reference letters from the boys that ideally say otherwise.

Give it a tough name

Names like Lance or Bad Boy Bruce will ensure your penis never, almost rarely ever gets likened to a wimpy character from a children’s video game by a girl like Jenny Jenson, for whom you once experimented with atheism.

Other tough penis names:

• Bad Boy Jimmy
• Spankin’ Hank
• Dong Town
• Dongin’ It
• Absolutely Dongin’ It
• Big Tough Ted
• Watch Out Whang
• Dick’s Ahoy
• Mr. Penis
• Caution: Penis
• Dicky McDickity Dickerson

Add a cool sound effect

How I did this was I tested a bunch of Hallmark cards that play sounds when they open until I found a sound chip that would go good with the moment I pop out my penis. I ended up finding a sound chip that sings, “Spring is in the air,” but I’ve been practising smashing it with a hammer before it can finish with, “is in the air,” so it just says, “Spring,” which is not only Jenny Jenson’s favourite season for long walks with warm cocoa with extra marshmallows, but of all the Hallmark cards I listened to, is arguably the best way to announce a penis.

Tattoo racing stripes on the sides

This not only creates the illusion that your penis goes wicked fast, but it also tells girls like Jenny Jenson, whose ex-boyfriend drove a red ’67 Chevy Camaro with black racing stripes, that she really blew it big time by calling your penis “cute” before she even got to witness its full character arc.

Alternatively, if a girl like Jenny Jenson inspired you to switch to a new religion that doesn’t allow tattoos (and you have the necessary urethral circumference), you may be able to teach your penis to smoke cigarettes.

Inject some bee venom

If you swell your penis into a bulbous mass before you suspect you might get a chance at making love with a girl like Jenny Jenson, for whom you, despite loads of offers, somehow preserved your virginity for over thirty years, she will never be able to figure out that beneath your swollen up, rash-infested, pus-bag penis, there’s a scared, little penis in there who just wants a girl like Jenny Jenson to think it’s manly.

It’s important to note that after injecting bee venom, you will absolutely not be able to use your penis for almost anything for a long time because bee venom is actually super painful in penises. But, if all goes according to plan, the very last word a girl like Jenny Jenson will ever consider describing your penis with will be “cute.”