21 May 2025 at 00:59

21 May 2025 at 00:59

Three weeks ago I turned 26, and with the addition of a new digit came the existence of this feeling I have struggled to name.

I want to say it’s name eluded me for three weeks, but in this tiny space of time, I’ll confess it might have been longer than that.

Paradoxical! I found it! Paradoxical!!

I know words, you see! I have always known them, given the fact that I have buried more than my nose within the pages of a thousand more books since I could read. I devoured words to build myself an handbook for where I am now. So trust me when I say, I know words!

Yet words tend to fail me, they hide in the recess of my mind and elude me like willful children testing boundaries. But yes! Back to that word and my feelings, I do tend to get sidetracked. Paradoxical! Now that I’ve found it, I think it’ll stay a chant in my head for weeks more.

“one (such as a person, situation, or action) having seemingly contradictory qualities or phases”

Firstly, I’ll tell you I have been mourning, I am mourning the life I believed will come to me at 25, a life I thought was a given because life needed to compensate me for the years before. I filled my quota of sorrow before 15 and therefore I knew in my blood that I will get what I wanted! lol! And yet I turned 26 and with each second after I have had to confront this loss in every consciousness and with every senses.

Despite this gruesome sorrow, tears fail me, and my wails refuse to ring because of “gratitude “ — Another word!, Gratitude. It squelches the rising agony with a reality I cannot deny — that I am grateful for my life each day still, this life that wraps me in so many moments of happiness and sighs of contentment. I cannot help but see that I am on the start of a life that was also somewhat a dream !

And today, few weeks after 26, I am in the process of living the existence of two truths that coalesce both lost and found dreams.