Being Trans Is Never Boring. And I Mean That in Both Directions.

This morning my underwear drawer gave me a small buzz. Same as it always does since I made the decision to transition.

Free Shutterstock image

Each morning my underwear drawer gives me a small buzz.

Flip-side: Montenegro — 2 lads next to a motorbike- reminded me exactly what some people see when they look at me. That’s the ride.

“Why’s it such a big deal?” you might ask.

Yeah, good question, and the answer is simple. It’s because I’ve now got a drawer full of knickers instead of a secret stash.

I used to dream of being able to wear women’s underwear, as a woman. To feel feminine. And they help me to feel just that. In fact — I adore my knicker drawer!

Maybe it’s just me, perhaps I’m weird. But I’d imagine trans guys get this too. Each morning reaching for boxers rather than the delicate undies I get excited about.

Small things you see. For a trans person who dreamt about them for years, they become big things. You’ll get what I mean if you’re trans.

Okay, the small things — which become big things.

What about the already big things… hey does that make already big things — big, BIG things — lol, I guess. Anyway, they’re where it can get really exciting, terrifying or humiliating. Sometimes all within the same day.

What about going out for the first time for example. Like out, out. As the real you. That’s a huge deal.

Oh wow, talk about the build up to it, the adrenalin, fear, excitement, anticipation, exhilaration, joy, apprehension. (Okay, Andrea stop looking at the dictionary). Your heart’s absolutely going ten to the dozen. Checking yourself in the mirror one more time, even though you’ve already checked about seventeen bzillion times already and you still look exactly the same as the last time you looked. But you check again anyway because c’mon, what else are you going to do, just leave?

Then you take a deep breath and… gulp, go for it. Your legs feel like jelly, you look straight ahead, concentrate on your walk and then — nothing happens. Someone holds a door. The woman in the café takes your order with a face that says “I’m bored, how long is it again until my shift finishes?” People walk past you in the street thinking about whatever people think about in the streets or chatting with each other.

You get ignored.

Which is just about as perfect as it can get.

But here’s the thing about being trans — the same day that gives you that euphoria, can also give you the opposite.

I was in Montenegro not long ago. A lovely place if you get the chance to go, I’d recommend it. Quite cheap too. I genuinely felt at ease and relaxed. The people were lovely, bar-staff were polite, chatty and attentive. Walking around no-one gave me a second look.

And then, the last evening before we headed back into Albania, which is where Mands and I had been staying for a couple of months. We’d had a lovely day, explored the town of Ulcinj, just finished a tasty late lunch washed down with a couple of beers whilst sitting in the warm sun and were now walking it off…

Two lads. standing next to a motorbike across the road from the harbour wall.

Picture taken by Andrea King — Ulcinj, Montenegro

One of them shouts across the road at me, out loud, in public — “Hey, where are you from? Are you a ladyboy?”

Now in three and a half years since coming out, this was the first (and only — to date) time I’d ever been publicly outed. Just minding our business, walking along on a nice evening, in a place up until then, we were enjoying.

And the thing that got me — not so much the embarrassment of it, not the public bit, though yeah, cheers for that lads — was the word. “Ladyboy.” Because that’s what he saw. Not a woman. A ladyboy. And that got me thinking, “Is that what everyone sees and they’re just too polite to say it?”

Now the old me — Andy — would have walked straight up to them before Mands had a chance to grab my arm and either smack the guy in the face or at the very least, spat out, “*Who or what I am has got fuck all to do with you f’ing t****.”

Because that’s what Andy was like. But he’s gone and Andrea is far more restrained and ladylike.

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt and it did knock my confidence for a while.

It also upset me because I was with Mands. How did she feel, were the lads thinking she must be with me as a romantic couple. It could have been embarrassing for her too, but luckily she’s stronger than that.

Rationally you know most people don’t give a shit. They’re more bothered about where they’re going, what’s on their mind or chatting with the person they’re with.

But two lads next to a motorbike and suddenly you’re going back through three years of interactions looking for signs you missed. Joy to paranoia in about forty seconds. That’s the ride sometimes. And never boring.

The other side — and there is one, really — is that being trans means there’s almost always a next first or high. Something you haven’t done yet as yourself.

For us girls, make-up, perfume and clothes that fit who you actually are rather than the person you were performing as. Oh, and shopping for those clothes. OMG, I absolutely love shopping!

For trans guys, maybe it’s going to the gym and starting to develop some muscles or noticing the first bit of beard coming through on a random Wednesday morning. I mean that’s massive. Because you’ve been waiting for it your whole life and there at last, a stubbly face is actually staring back at you in the bathroom mirror.

And there’s always another one of those amazing moments somewhere up ahead.

Or if like me you’re a Star Wars fan, you can just as easily be pushed back into the dark side of the force.

Like going to your GP and saying the words “I’m trans.”

So they refer you to the Gender Identity Clinic.

And for a second you’re absolutely elated, but only for a second because then they tell you — that you should hope to hear back from them within the next five years.

Five fucking years. Just sitting there in a sentence like it’s normal. Like they’ve told you the bus is running a bit late.

You see, highs and lows, never boring though. I’ll give it that. Whatever else this life as a trans person is, it is absolutely, consistently, never boring.

If this resonated, you might also find these useful:

• What Do I Like and Dislike about Being a Transgender Female?
• It Finally Happened, I Was Outed in Public
• The First Time You Walk Out the Door as Yourself

Andrea King is a D&I consultant, keynote speaker, Mental Health First Aider, writer and transgender woman with 20+ years of senior corporate leadership experience. She works with businesses across all sectors to build genuinely inclusive cultures whilst also supporting transgender individuals and their families through every stage of the journey. If this piece resonated, you can find more at andreaking.net — or book a free discovery call if you’d like to talk.

The views expressed in this article are Andrea’s own and are based on her personal experience and perspective. They are not intended as medical, legal or professional advice.