DEPUTY GIRLFRIEND

How We Got Here

What do you do when a friend calls you out of the blue, saying they have nowhere else to go and need a place to stay? What if the friend in question is a longtime female friend and you are a guy who lives alone? How do you turn down one of your closest friends without breaking her heart? What will your mutual friends say to her moving in? What about your family members, church members, neighbors, and more importantly your girlfriend? Did I mention that I live in just one room and we would be sharing a bed? Or am I supposed to get her a mat? Or will I have to be a gentleman and manage the mat? Pardon my many questions, my name is Andrew, but you can call me Andy. On a Wednesday evening, I got a call out of the blue from Tomi, my long-time friend. She told me she was on the way to my house and it was urgent we spoke. In less than fifteen minutes, we were seated across from one another and she went straight to the heart of the matter. Her dad, a federal civil servant had just been transferred to Imo State from Lagos, her family was relocating and she was reluctant to move in with her relatives. Plus they stayed on the other end of Lagos and she needed to keep her current job in other to keep funding her part-time schooling. She will be moving out whenever she can save up to get her own place. By the way, she had until Friday to get a place, as her family was moving out of Lagos on Saturday morning. For over a minute, I kept opening and closing my mouth with no sound coming out. I just didn’t know where to begin. I began to ask after every family member and female friend of her I knew about. what about colleagues, classmates, church members, anyone else but me. Apparently, she had been searching for the last three weeks and had found no one willing or capable of accommodating her. She was already close to the wall and believed I was her last option. Somewhere in our hearts of hearts, we both know there was no way I was turning her away. But we also know life isn’t so white and black. We are humans, Nigerians at that, and I don’t want to be caught on the wrong side of “Bad decisions, Good intentions”. We know how Nigerians have perfected the art of Jumping into conclusion and I am not ready to be the subject of my preacher’s sermons. Plus I don’t want to be a part of the “reduction of the value” of Tomi’s “bride price”. As we both knew I would, I told her she could stay tentatively, though I will still have to discuss the issue with my Bae, and my best-friend, who doubles as her ex. I wondered how her London based boyfriend felt about all this. This is how I got stuck (or blessed, depending on how you view it) with a roommate (or “deputy girlfriend” as I like to call her).

A Tale For Hannah

Immediately Tomi left my house, I called my girlfriend, Hannah. She told me she was still on the way from work, so I asked to meet her up at her house. I got dressed, sorted out some stuff and left the house for hers.

I met Hannah at the top of her street, we started talking right away. About her day, work and the latest news items. As we got to her house, her younger sister met us at the gate and collected her bag from her. We then sat at a closed shop in the front of her house.

“Mr. What are you not telling me” she began. Why will you think I am hiding something from you when I left my house to come see you? “Cos you never call me before I get home.” She replied. “You know when I get home and you know when to call. You only do this when you have something bothering you. Spit it.” She concluded.

“Ok. You got me”. I replied. I went on to in the gentlest and calmest way possible describe Tomi’s predicament to her.

“So, what do you think? Can I have her at my place until she gets back on her feet?” I asked in the most innocent way possible.

“HELL NO!!!” I have never seen Hannah this pissed before.

“I don’t know what’s with you and Tomi” She continued. “Y’all think this your friendship is normal? Is it cos I allow her to come out with us or cos I keep taking her crap?” She was really going off on me.

“Babe calm down”. I tried to assuage her.

“Don’t tell me to calm down. Let her travel to Imo with her folks. She can defer school for a year.”

“But she is in her penultimate year, if I help her out with this, in a years’ time, she’ll be done”

“And in a years’ time, y’all will be welcoming a baby. If not quadruplets.”

“Come on!!!” I was exasperated. “You know Tomi is like my sister” I continued.

“That was what some guys said before getting their side chicks pregnant” she retorted.

“Wait. Is it that you don’t trust me or you don’t trust Tomi?”

“As a matter of fact, I trust you both. But you both on one bed? Let’s not tempt the devil to tempt us.”

I knew she had a point. This wasn’t a case of insecurity or jealousy. Hannah is a very beautiful, intelligent and confident lady. She is also kind, patient and easy-going. But if I were in her shoes right now, I’ll be having the same thoughts.

Tomi is no slouch, she is quite pretty too and any red-blooded man will feel for her. How could I possibly explain to Hannah that I am not just “any red-blooded man”? I have told her before that I and Tomi were actually next-door neighbors as kids. Her family moved out as her dad progressed in his career. Mine moved out a couple of years after that.

We were actually raised like siblings until that point. I was always protective of her back then and saw her like the sister I never had. We actually didn’t see each other like that. As a matter of fact, if anything would have happened between Tomi and I, it would have happened before Hannah came into the picture.

“Babe, you know I wouldn’t be considering this at all if there was a better option.” I told her.

“There is always a better option.”

“Ok then. Can she come stay with you guys?”

“You know my parents will not accept that.”

“What other option do we have? She’ll really love to finish things up on schedule, She can’t defer school, she can’t quit her job, and there is no family member willing to take her in.”

“See, I can’t talk about this right now. I need to go prepare for work tomorrow and rest.”

“Hannah. See, she has only until Friday to move. Her folks are leaving Lagos by Saturday.”

“Better start praying that a better option comes up, cos you are not an option, talkless of a good option.”

As we were trying to round up, her mum came out. She was pissed Hannah hadn’t come in to greet her before sitting outside. I apologized on her behalf and told her I was on my way home already. Hannah’s mum offered me dinner before I left, but with the look in Hannah’s eyes, I knew the wisest choice for me at that moment was to scurry on home before she burned me with that look. If looks really can kill.

Sisterly Rules

After I got back home, I started to wonder what will happen if Hannah refused to give in. Did I really need her permission or was I supposed to only inform her? As much as I love Hannah, I also love Tomi and wouldn’t want her to get stranded. I couldn’t help wondering what Chim, her boyfriend would think about this whole situation. By the way, I am not even a fan of “cohabitation”. But what am I supposed to do now? I tried calling Hannah repeatedly, but she refused to pick up. Eventually, I just sent her a “I Love You” text and went to bed. That was one of the most uncomfortable sleep I ever had. I woke up the next morning and immediately tried calling Hannah like is customary for us. Again she didn’t pick my call. I spent the whole day wondering if I had blown up my relationship. When Tomi called me during the day, to ask if I had sorted everything out, I just told her there was only a little issue left to sort out. As I returned from work that evening, I went straight to Hannah’s place. She wasn’t back yet and wouldn’t be back for the next two hours. Her mum wasn’t ready to have me sitting for two hours. Instead, she called Hannah with her own line and I finally got to talk with her. She told me she was better now and would come to see me on her way back from work. Finally, I could relax. Two hours later, Hannah strode into my room and in the calmest manner I have ever seen her in, she told me she was fine with Tomi moving in with me. According to her, since Tomi was like a sister to me, she’ll be giving us some “Sisterly Rules”, made with sisterly love, and having non-sisterly consequences. Firstly, she was never to compete with Tomi for my attention. Then, there has to be a pillow wall of partition when we shared the bed. Thirdly, Tomi wasn’t allowed to be in only her undies around the house. (Apparently, her level of trust wasn’t up to that level). Just as importantly, there was to be no mouth to mouth resuscitation if either I or Tomi had a medical emergency. Number five on the list, I am not allowed to take more than three pictures for or with Tomi in one day. (She really does believe that guys are moved by what they see). Neither were we to gossip together. In fact, no gisting for more than two hours on any given day. (She doesn’t want Tomi thinking I am listening, sensitive, in touch with my feminine side, or anything like or better than her boyfriend). Also, Tomi wasn’t allowed to practice any of her wifely skills on me, neither was I allowed to try my “husbandly” skills on her. Finally, no going out together, dressing similar, or doing any “couple-ish” thing. According to Hannah, if we ever flouted any of these “sisterly laws”, she was going to really, really hurt us. And I wasn’t supposed to forget that her favorite TV series included a thousand ways to die, and how to get away with murder. After I acceded to her rules, Hannah said she’ll put the call through to Tomi to inform her about the decision. Who was I to argue? I was just glad my friend would be alright. When I finally got to talk with Tomi, after Hannah had been on the phone with her for over five minutes, we agreed that I and Hannah will come through the next morning to help her move before her parents left. For the first time in my adult life, I was going to be having a roommate.

Bros Before Besties

Yes, I know the normal phrase is Bros before Hoes, but there’s no way I am going to describe Tomi as such. Now how do I describe Dan? Daniel is someone I have known all my life. We were inseparable as kids and he knew Tomi through me. When they first hit it off, I had mixed feelings about it. I was happy two of my friends were dating, but I was scared of what will happen if they broke up. Will I have to pick sides? Or will they end up as mortal enemies? Their breaking up was inevitable. He had spent all of our senior secondary school days trying to get her to date him, but she was into someone else at the time. He meanwhile would only come back to ask her to date him after dumping or being dumped by a girl. I must admit that the turnover rate of girlfriends where Dan is concerned is actually on the high side. Not that he was a womanizer, just that he didn’t know any better. Whereas Tomi was in only one relationship through senior secondary school. By the time they dated after secondary school, their perspective on life was way too different. What they shared in common was almost nonexistent, compared to their differences. To the best of my understanding, neither of them cheated on the other, but the amount of quarrels between them was way too much. The good times were actually there, and were indeed very good. But they were few and far between. Before their relationship, I believed any two people could date, as long as they were willing to make it work. In the case of Tomi and Dan, they both wanted it to work, but they were just too strong-headed, uncompromising and each of them knew too much for their own good. Just before they eventually broke up, I became their full-time referee. Hardly will seventy two hours go by before I am settling another quarrel. At a point, I began avoiding the both of them. When one of them calls me to complain, before the second person calls, I’ll put my phone on airplane mode. If either of them ask if I was home, I will always be somewhere else or on my way somewhere. When eventually they broke up, I was unhappy for them, but I was happy for myself. My Bro and my Bestie had finally given me breathing space. After this experience, I decided to never ever, ever introduce any two friends of mine to each other, nor encourage any two friends to date. No matter how “cute” they look together.

To Tell Or Not To Tell?

In the midst of all this palaver of convincing Hannah to let Tomi stay with me, I forgot something just as important. I forgot to tell Dan about Tomi’s debacle. How do I even begin? Do I just tell him straight or do I sneak it into a conversation? Am I just informing him or am I asking for his permission? Does he care about this or am I over stressing things? Ain’t they done with each other? It’s not as if I am trying to date his ex, I am only accommodating her. Temporarily. Nothing more is going to happen. After all, Hannah agreed. And she is the one who is supposed to have been pissed by the situation. What if I tell Dan and he doesn’t agree with the arrangement? Do I risk losing his friendship or leaving hers? Why do I even have to be caught up in the middle of all these? Have they moved on from their breakup? What if there are still lingering feelings or issues? Why did they have to break up again? Why did they hook up in the first place? I am already getting tired of asking myself these questions. I need to go ahead and have this crazy talk with Dan. But then, how do I tell him? Is this a chat we can have on the phone or is it best done in person? Do I meet him in private or in public so there’ll be witnesses to intervene when he eventually tries to strangle me? Do I meet him at one of our hangout spots or ask him over or better still, visit him, so his bed will be close by and he can cry into his pillows when we are done? You know what, at best, he’ll agree, at worst, I’ll end up with a black eye and one less friend. It is time I call Dan.

Spilling Beans

Immediately Hannah left my house, I called Daniel and informed him that I was on my way to his place. He was trying to ask why as he planned on going clubbing that evening. I told him that I had a few “beans” to “spill” to him. Daniel is a guy that loves to chat more than anything else. A promise of new gist was the only way I could get him to skip going out clubbing. I took a bike to Dan’s place. He was outside with a couple of neighbors. Immediately he saw me come into the compound, he excused himself and hurried to join me. “Guy, wetin be the beans wey no fit wait until I come back from my groove?” He queried me. “Daniel, Tomi needs our help” I replied him. “What? Is she dying?” “Wait. Are things so bad between you guys that you’ll wish her dead?” “No, not that. I was just wondering what help she’ll need that she can’t ask me herself or we couldn’t just talk on the phone” “Dan. It’s something different.” I went on to narrate to Daniel everything that had happened so far. Finally, I asked him “what do you think we should do?” “You already know what to do before you asked me.” He replied. “But I need to know what you think about the whole arrangement before I proceed,” I told him. “Why? Is she not your friend too?” “But she is your ex.” “And you brought us together.” “But I don’t know exactly what went down between you guys.” “Nothing went bad, things just didn’t work out.” “But I still need to inform you first. That is the right thing to do.” “And if I say no, will you refuse to help her?” “No. You know I have no choice but to help her.” “That’s my point exactly.” “But, do you have any reservations about the whole arrangement?” “No. Do you?” “Which kind of question is that?” “My point exactly.” “You are just crazy. But hope you’ll still keep coming to my place?” “Sure thing.”

That was how we concluded our conversation. I took my leave from Dan, so I can go clean up my place in preparation for Tomi’s arrival. It was much later that Tomi told me that night was the first time Daniel called her since they broke up.