SPILLING THE CHIANTI WITH THE TUSCANOS

D’Angelo Visits The Classroom To Help A Parent Struggling With Preparing for Career Day

In this week’s edition, D’Angelo looks to help out an engineer with his presentation before his daughter’s fourth-grade class

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

Dear D’Angelo,

I am hoping you can help me out. My daughter’s class is hosting its second annual Career Day on April 16th! The purpose of Career Day is to expose students to a variety of careers to jumpstart their thinking about the future. I am happy to help, but I am an engineer. No fourth grader understands what I do. My daughter thinks I ride around on trains all day. On top of that, we are supposed to bring in visual aids to make our presentation more interesting. I got nothing. I am not a doctor who can bring in a stethoscope, or a painter with a brush, or a chef with a hat. What have I got? A protractor, maybe? Or a slide rule? Any suggestions would be appreciated, D’Angelo.

Signed, A Perplexed Papa

Dear Perplexed,

So you don’t ride around in trains? I guess I am with your daughter then. I am not sure what you do, but I do sympathize. You are preaching to the choir, my friend.

My son is in the Fifth grade. I got the same request. Those kids with Doctors, carpenters, and veterinarian parents have it made! Any kid with a pulse can understand what those people do. Who knows what you do? Not me. Maybe you could wear one of them pocket protectors. That’s part of your uniform, ain’t it? I would bring one for each kid. Indoctrinate them early. If they do not want to wear it, they could always use it as a bookmark or for opening locked doors. That will be a shock for Mom and Dad while they are having some personal time in the bedroom if you catch my drift.

Last year, at my daughter Florence’s Career Day, some jackwagon veterinarian who spoke before me brought in a puppy. What kind of jerk does that? I had no chance following that. Neither did the plumber after me. And he had one of those snakes you use to clear out a plugged sink. He had me enthralled. But those kids? Crickets.

How am I — a reputable Waste Management Removal professional — supposed to convey the complexities of my work day to these kids? Hell, half my clients cannot even comprehend the details of our business dealings. We make it very clear what happens when they do not hold to the terms of the conditions of our contract. And still, they whine and plead about needing a payment extension. But I do not need to bore you with the minutia of my day-to-day activities.

What shot do I have explaining it to a room full of ankle biters if I cannot explain it to some train nerd? My kid always asks me why I do not smell like garbage. I tell him, number one I wear a really nice cologne. That Aqua Di Gio has a nice, sensual feel. The women respond to it. Don’t tell my wife. Maybe you could bring in a bottle of that, Perplexed. If the kids don’t get what you do, at least your kid’s teacher will not care. She will be following you, even if the kids do not.

Back to my kid. Even though he has not quite figured out the family business yet, he has a bright future following in Dad’s footsteps. DJ is a natural. He is already pulling down 10 points off every kid’s lunch at school. The one kid that held out ain’t a problem anymore. Sipping Ensure through a straw does not cost much. Now my kid gets his dessert. We do not encourage physical violence in our family. Intimidation should be enough incentive.

Now that I think about it, my wife made me watch some goofy show on PBS Frontline about the flooding they had down in New Orleans after that Hurricane down there, Sabrina, I think. New Orleans. Great town for Waste Management. Anyway, I remember they talked to some guy who was an engineer. He was in charge of the pumps that failed to pump the water out of the city. He spoke about the city being built below sea level as a dilemma on the order of that fabled Gordian knot. Reminds me of that guy in Wall Street, Gordon Gekko. Talk about a racket. That insurance is legalized embezzlement. I am envious.

But that little gecko on them insurance ads kills me. You could take a gecko. Kids love that stuff. Hand that little rodent around. Those rug rats won’t care what you do. Between the Armani cologne and the gecko, you would be a platinum can’t-miss with both the teacher and the kids.

I hope some of this has helped you with your presentation. The pocket protectors will be a hit even if the rest of it is a complete failure.

Thank you to Gael MacLean for helping D’Angelo and Perplexed prepare for Career Day. It is never an easy task!

If you enjoyed this article, you can check out more of D’Angelo’s advice here:

[embed]D’Angelo Riffs On The Current State Of Popular Music And Raves On Florence’s Nightingale Warblings In this week’s edition, D’Angelo answers the age-old question, What kind of garbage are these kids listening to today?muddyum.net

[embed]D’Angelo Serves Up A Triple Grande Vente On Designer Café au Laitely In this week’s edition, D’Angelo builds up the confidence of the downtrodden and gives baristas everywhere a black eyemuddyum.net

Here is another story by Gael you may enjoy!

[embed]Help, My Coffee Maker Knows Too Much Paranoia in the Internet of Thingsmuddyum.net

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Brand art by Gael MacLean